addendum to 1 is the loneliest #

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Mental Health Clinic, Las Vegas

Image by misterbisson via Flickr

That blog was not meant to alienate or malign those folks who I used to have a lively comments/commentary and chat with. I realize that you folks are all busy with your own life, you’re spending time with you real and virtual friends (furries included too); and distanced themselves when I realized the depth of my mental health issues. I understand that – that distancing has been going on for a while now, even before my meltdown and trip to ER.

My blog hasn’t been much of anything lately – snippets of poets, rants on the mental health care system, and my in-laws and flesh and blood relatives. Nothing uplifting, nothing important, nothing inspirational or creative; all the things that make other bloggers and facebook folks have so many followers.

But it does hurt when I leave a comment to which the blogger doesn’t reply, but does reply in glowing terms to others who comment. If you don’t want me to leave comments on your blog, or don’t want me to send messages or share things on face book, just let me know. I’m used to being told to back away, to disappear, to be invisible.

There are virtual folks who got me through 2010 and 2011 – very rough years, and I thank them for it. You were very helpful and supportive. And, I realize that you have moved on; distanced yourself from me. While it does hurt to not have comments acknowledged, or ending threads of conversations in facebook groups, I understand the reasons why.

I just didn’t want some folks to think I hadn’t appreciated the friendships we had. I did. I just wish we had them back again.

PS: I’m happy to see that at least 2 of the folks I nominated for the WEGO award are getting recognition. I know it wasn’t my nomination, but at least they will be getting the publicity, the awards, and the recognition they deserve. I’m glad someone else saw the same folks are being important bloggers!

10 thoughts on “addendum to 1 is the loneliest #

  1. Dear Phylor,

    I wanted to say hi, and I understand how you feel. Personally, there is no telling what is going on with me, or in my life, for the reasons I don’t either comment or reply. I want to learn more about blogging this year, as I do get very lost, esp., when it comes to comments. I often don’t know how to get back where I commented. Then, other times, I am too depressed. Waaaaaay too depressed! Other times, brain fog gets me so badly that I can’t write one word that makes any sense.

    You are a very generous and kind blogger! So, of course, not everyone is, and they will never be as kind and giving as you (including me although I would like to be).

    Please keep up your work. Every time I do read something you write, I enjoy it. Sometimes, what I have to say doesn’t feel important. Like my Christmas cards, (I am revealing here, but that’s okay), I didn’t send them this year. I did make them and sign them, but then, they just didn’t seem right, so I will put them in the large pile of my never mailed letters and cards.

    Well, I hope my 2cents worth helps and makes a little sense.

    I wish you a healing New Year. Take good care, and again, I hope you keep on writing!

    Peace to you,
    Michelle.

    • I always appreciate your input — sorry I’ve been so slow in responding. I feel I owe so many people an apology. When the demons whisper “you’re alone,” the reality of the fact that there are folks out there who care gets lost in the tears of deep depression.
      I really appreciate having met you through the cyberverse. Wishing you all the best of 2012! I really hope that it’s a good year for you!

  2. Phylor, I’m sorry you’re having such a struggle! I know you’re angry, hurt and worn out with the whole process, then all of the health crap piles on top of everything else. Before you decide someone has withdrawn from you, please contact them directly. Goodness only knows what stuff they’re wading through in their own life. From my own personal experience, when I get in those dark places, my interpretation of the situation isn’t the most objective. I tended to isolate myself by assuming I knew what was in the other person’s head, rather than them actually withdrawing from me. It’s worth a thought….much love!

    • You are so right — my own depression has kept me from keeping in touch with folks. I wrote how I felt at the time; the demons whispered you’re alone and noone cares louder than the reality of the situation is.
      I also really wish that when folks are upset with what I’ve said, they email me too. I can’t tell if someone has drawn away due to their issues within their own life they are struggling with, or if they are upset with something I wrote or commented.
      Thanks for your insightful comments — I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to respond! My mantra today (one of the better days) is “be positive” and responding to comments is one of the positive things I am trying to do.

  3. Hey Phylor…Im just really sorry ur going thru such a crappy time and feeling so alone. I am not sure who all you are referring to as far as not leaving comments on your comments or whatever, but I think maybe you might be taking some of those things to mean something they dont…? I just mean that Im sure I have neglected to respond to alot of peoples comments on my blog or facebook, but I never intended for it to be a dis or that I hate the person or anythng. People dont respond to me all the time, I think nothing of it…just assume life got busy. I just wanted to be sure to say I havent tried to distance myself from anyone for any reasons yet…I just always felt FB and Blogging were places people could chat, vent, journal, research, find common interests, etc. Some people click faster than others I suppose, but i try not to let it affect me personally. I know youre hurting and I hate that. I wish I could help you. You hav always been a supportive and caring person as far as I ever knew. I didnt even know the extent to which you were hurting, i knew you were having to handle alot after ur moms death, but even then i thought it seemed u were handling it…so im sorry that im evidently too dense to sometimes see just how others are hurting. I try to b caring n supportive whenever I can. And I lastly want u to know I truly did send you a giftbox that I thought was lovely, I dont know why u didnt get it when Laurie got hers, I put the address on it that u put in my giftbox. So it upsets me that u didnt get it, but it hasnt been returned to me…so I dunno what to say. I hope you will get the support you need..dont stop trying…I know u hav people that care for u…us here in virtual land for sum. We cant always be everything to everybody unfortunately…but ur strong…u will get thru this crisis….one hour @ a time. Xo

    • Tammy:
      You have all your own health issues to deal with, and I know you are hurting particularly badly right now, so I appreciate you taking the time to respond so fully.
      I know I have put you in an akward position. And, I do truly want to apologize for that. I wrote a post when I was feeling very down, lonely, and without family and friends to reach out to. And, for those internet folks whose emails I did have, I didn’t feel I should bother given their own physical and emotional health issues. Feeling lonely and sorry for yourself is NOT the same as horrific pain or trying to put your life/house back in order. I was NOT directing my lack of support at anyone or any community. Those issues, as I’ve blogged, I know lie with ME. I don’t expect every comment I make to be responded to; it’s when mine isn’t and everyone else’s has been that it makes me feel invisibile.
      I guess you can’t really write what you feel in the cyberverse without somebody getting upset. And, that has put you in the middle, I know. Once again, I apologize for that. I never intended to hurt anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. I wrote the addendum as an apology for those who might think I was maligning them for all the support I’ve gotten over the last 2 years. I simpliy poured out my heart that day as a way of trying to cope. Others seem to be able to do it. But all it’s done is create problems. Perhaps it’s time I truly retired this personae — I now have Dragon Naturally speaking, but continuing this blog is only going to continue the problem, so when I wrote I was stepping back before it was due to physical pain, this time, it’s more emotional. I don’t want to people like you to feel you have to comment here and then elsewhere, thus placing you in the middle.
      If I stop blogging as phylor, then this can all go away. Hurt and angry folks can feel calm again. Groups can get back to normal. People can get on with their cyberlives without there being any turmoil. Having been hurt, seen turmoil, and such, it ‘s the LAST thing that I’d ever want to create, much less continue.
      Thanks for all your kind and thoughtful comments. Please don’t feel bad about the box; somebody somewhere got an extra special treat this Christmas! I feel bad about all the effort, money, time you (when you’re hurting so bad these days) took to do such a nice thing. Hope 2012 is a healing year for your.

      • Well I understand pouring your heart out online…that is exactly what I use my blog for! There is nothing wrong witht that at all!!!! I think maybe some of us felt we were being especially targeted or made to feel guilty somehow….and perhaps you never intended that, it just came over that way.

        I hope you don’t stop writing on here, especially since you got Dragon, that would make it easier for you. Of course only you can make that decision. Do what is healthy for you…dont worry about others…do what will help you. I usually expect no one to read much less comment my silly and useless blog…when i get some comments I’m always astonished…lol, I use it to blow off steam or just to “talk” to anyone who will liten when I feel alone….

        We know how bad you’re hurting. We just want what is best for you cuz we care about you. Its hard when we are not there in person with you, sometimes things get misinterpreted when in the written word, cuz you are not seeing the person or getting any voice tone or inflections….I lost a friend once cuz of an email…lol…so I understand how it can happen.

        Anyway Phy, I harbor no hard feelings…I was most certainly a bit confused and surprised…but it’s not ended the fact that I think you are a kind and very intelligent and caring person, and I want you to feel happy and secure and understood…but most of that will have to prolly come from some professional help and in person interraction.

        Hang in there Phylor. I know you’re at the bottom. I’ve been there too, when I wa there it felt everyone was against me….but they weren’t.

        I pray this New Year will be a good one for you and for all of us, we have all beeen struggling hard this past one for sure. Ok…I gotta lay back now…feelin rather pukey to be blunt…lol.
        xo
        T

        • Hope the punking didn’t last too long. I appreciate your kind and compassionate comments. I do apologize for taking so long to respond. My mantra for today is be positive, and one of the positive things I’m trying to do is catching up on comments, and letting folks know that I realize they are out there and caring — it’s the demons who whisper that you are alone and that nobody cares. Some days it’s hard not to listen to them.

  4. I recognize the withdrawal from people i do it myself.Theres no need for apologies.I must admit i like my furbabies because they never waiver in their love,its unconditional,why cant more humans be that way.I dont visit blogs just because they are upbeat…..i wish more people had been there for me last year when i was in the same place you are now.Please take care,please reach out for more help,please keep in touch!…Hugzzzz

    • Hubby has allergies or we would have furbabies too. When the depression is very deep, it really feels like there is no one to turn to. That’s part of the ugliness of having a mental illness that needs professional help that is almost impossible to find.
      Thanks for your comment! I hope 2012 is a very good year for you!

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