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It’s been cold lately, so I put on my “fuggs” – my $5.00 imitation uggs – and took a tentative step or three. Not sure yet what path that these first steps on my journey will take me on.
I am very glad I posted “a request.” I have received feedback and I hope clarified what the downside of my current mental health crisis does. I sincerely hope that helped. When you get as low as I have been, you do feel alone and on the outside – despite what the reality of the situation may be! I really hope I continue to get feedback!
I also took the step of closing down, at least for now, my facebook account and membership in an online group. I’m not sure that Dragon Naturally Speaking works with facebook and I still need to learn how my new “toy” works in terms of writing blogs, make blog comments and respond to and send emails. Once I get the hang of it – I will try facebooking again.
As I said in “not the brightest light bulb,” my withdrawal is due to the pain over using the computer causes. If I’m connected to facebook, either by my own account, or through the wonderful group “Graceful Agony,” I want to click on every link, comment on many of the threads, etc. Once I can do this with Dragon (fingers crossed I can), I will facebook again. There is so much good out there in the cyberverse, support for myself and others, great information, and inspirational, creative postings. I do get email notices when some folks post a blog. With Dragon, I hope to both read the blog and leave a comment.
Thank you to everyone for the support, caring, and compassion they have shown me. When I crash, I forget that there are folks out there I can reach out to – that’s part of the ugliness of what I’m fighting. I hope to one day be able to reactivate my facebook account so I can rejoin special, wonderful online communities such as “Grateful Agony.”
I was having a better day today, getting ready to head off to the train for my yearly mammogram, when I got a very upsetting phone call. I melted down both during the call, then afterwards. The call and the meltdown meant I missed my train. But then I let go of the phone call, contacted the Breast Center to explain I couldn’t make my appointment. There was an opening 40 minutes later which I could make. So, I rebooked, took the next train, had time in the town to buy a card at the wonderful store Papyrus and walk to the hospital (all bundled up) with plenty of time before my second appointment.
I don’t know what paths these things will send me down, but at least I took a short stroll down the path of letting go. I also, using my mantra of “be positive” to finally respond to a lot of comments left on 1 is the loneliest number, and the addendum – my awkward attempt at an apology for allowing the demons to convince me there wasn’t anyone out there for me. The demons are so wrong! Sorry it has taken me to so long to respond. The dark demons whisper louder sometimes than the voices of reality that say people care and want to help – that I’m not alone. I really should have responded sooner, my apologizes for not doing so.
I’d like to finish off this blog entry with 2 things I read today. One was one a bookmark, the other on a magnet I bought.
Irish Blessing:
May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May song birds serenade your every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each your whole life.
And, the magnet – a quote from Winston Churchill: never, never, never give up.
Today I’m standing at the crossroads in the sunshine; there is no guarantee that there won’t be shadows and dark clouds the next time I try to find my path. Part of my trying to handle things and keep things together is to focus on the positive when I can. Today I can. I hope I can do the same again tomorrow/next blog.
This was done without my new “toy.” I hope my next posting is done with my dragon. Looking forward to that day.
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I love my fuggs. May they keep your toes warm and toasty as you embark on your new journey. Peace to you, inside and out. <3
Thanks, Jane. Even the imitations (with fuzzy socks of course) keep my toes toasty. Warm toes are an important part of feeling like you’re on the right path!
I think there has been a misunderstanding. In my post, tao of the crossroads, I said I didn’t know what path I would take, and I was afraid of writing something that would upset someone. I didn’t mean to give the impression that I wasn’t posting; just that I didn’t know which path I would take, so what journey I would record. In my “a request” I asked folks to let me know if they were confused, upset, or bothered by what I had written. I said it would help me continue to blog which is my only therapy until I get to see a shrink on January 21st — I have tried to find professional help sooner but with no luck so far.
In not the brightest bulb, I explained why I chose to close down my facebook accounts — I’m not sure if Dragon Naturally speaking is compatible with Facebook, and if I’m connected, I get caught up in all the information, discussion threads, etc. and use the computer too much.
I’ve been writing about hoping to use Dragon to continue to blog. I was also encouraged by the folks who wrote (and I finally reponsed to) to continue to blog.
I’m not sure where the confusion comes from, but thank you for bringing it to my attention. As I said elsewhere, I’m not writing at my best right now, and therefore not making things as clear as I think I am.
Wishing you all the best in 2012. I really hope it’s a good year for you.
Sorry if you’re confused. I thought I couldn’t write any more — my fear of hurting or upsetting someone had me frozen, – but as I wrote in one of my posts, getting feedback has helped me take the first tentative steps along some sort of path — and a journey that I can record.
For some reason, this response is ahead of the comment to which I am replying. Hope that doesn’t cause any more confusion!
I understand everything you are saying.
Bipolar illness can cause you do be a person you aren’t. The extreme mood swings are horrible enough, but then we it’s over, and things start to be normal again…at least for a while…we have to live with the things we did when we were having an episode (I really don’t know what else to call it.)
I used to have such unrelenting guilt it could sometimes spark another episode.
I hope others can understand just a little about what bipolar illness can do.
and I hope you can get in the system soon. It can be better!!
hugs for you.
wendy
(((((hugs))))) back to you as you struggle with your chronic health issues. Thanks for all the kind words and comments.
I am not sure what to say, you talk about not posting and then you post. I’m sure you have many conflicting feelings as we all do. Good luck on your journey, your friends are your friends and will be here after you get the help you need and deserve. Help is the most important thing for you to focus on now. Gentle hugs and best wishes, Laurie