“TUESDAY” production sign (Photo credit: Vaguely Artistic)
As I rode the train this week, tom and greg popped into my mind because I’m relapsing and I’m scared. I wander back into the country fair, the theme park where wild rides suspend laws of gravity and time, fun house mirrors distort, all is fake, all is real. The steady one foot before the other becomes a carefully planned out chore, otherwise a headlong rush. The 24-hour non-stop, tracer glow of neon lights, a munch scream, an angry yell, a convulsion of tears. How close am I to that fearful time when I lost complete control; when I felt so broken that I couldn’t be fixed?
Next Saturday, I see the medicating psychiatrist; I haven’t achieved much since I last saw her. I did have some days when I felt grounded, tweaked my resume, joined mental health groups, downloaded, and started using employment and mental health work sheets/work books. Did some research that suggests I’m more of a “mixed bipolar” meaning that I can have hypomanic episodes while remaining severally depressed. I didn’t met the small goals I had set for myself or find the type of krazy glue that hold shattered pieces together to make some semblance of me, even if some of the pieces are a bit misaligned or missing.
Not the best segue, but the last line in Margaret Mitchell’s sweeping Civil War romance, Gone with the Wind, is “after all tomorrow is another day.” It’s also this week’s carry on Tuesday prompt. Once again Keith has chosen a prompt that resonates. I really do hope that tomorrow is truly another day. That I will wake up without the tears, plan a trip into the city, actually finish my resume, not convulse in tears, think of tom and greg and how the mental health system failed them, and not let it fail me.
Dedicated to those who won, are still trying, and lost the battle with mental health issues.
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I’m lucky to be one who the system has helped. I can say, it will work, but you often have to fight like hell to get it to. You have to find the right therapist, get your insurance to work right, or if you don’t have any then jump through the hoops to get in the state or county system.
i was determined to get better. I couldn’t live on the roller coaster any longer. I found people I hurt and I didn’t remember it….when I started losing bit gaps of time, I had to have help!
When I sat on the bed with a razor blade cutting my wrist, a little deeper each time trying to get up the nerve to go deep enough, or possibly enjoying the pain I was putting myself through…I deserved it. Then all of a sudden I thought of the mess I’d make, and called the suicide hot line…I was committed after that one…thank goodness, I really believe that saved my life.
(that was suicide attempt number 3 or was it 4?)
I started to learn more about me. To know the signs when things were not quite right. When I start to go manic, I talk way too fast and too much…I know then that something isn’t right….When I start to get way too depressed, I sleep too much, eat too much, and can’t stop crying. I know it’s time to reach out.
Yes I’m lucky, the system has worked for me….but not without a lot of work on my part.
and yes I’m stable, have been for years, but still I have to have my medication tweaked now and then.
I never want to see the Wendy I used to be again. But I know I’ll see parts of her rearing her head trying to come out….I’m so glad I recognize her before she gets lose, and I can call my doctor and get help before she takes over. (yes I know I talk like I have a split personality, but I do really feel that the Wendy I am when I’m not stable is not the Wendy I really am.)
My point. The system is FAR from perfect. But it can work, however, the patient often has to do a lot of work too, and many people who need mental health help simply do not have it in them to jump through all the hoops just to get seen. That’s why I say being committed saved me, it forced me into the system, they had to see me….I suddenly had a therapist and a psychiatrist…and didn’t have to wait. All through the county because my insurance sucked, and I lost it soon after I was committed…just as I lost my job, my apartment…. Long story, but I over came it all.
I really did, over come it all.
love to you,
wendy
I’m glad you “made it” and got the system to work for you. I’m sorry you had such a struggle, and that it came down to a razor blade to make the system pay attention.
I sometimes feel like I will have to call a suicide hot-line (whether I feel suicidal or not) in order to get the system to listen. The harder I try to get help, the less help I seem to get!
I think the latest downturn might be due to an interaction between meds that I’ve been taking for the last while because I was getting so many intense headaches. I see my pcp tomorrow, and I’m going to ask her about the possiblity — I don’t want to go through the whole h**l of collapse again! And, I see the medicating lady on Saturday, and I can see what she thinks.