I find myself having to make a series of difficult choices. To choose mental stability and physical (motor, and cognitive) instability or, regain some physical stability at a cost to my mental health. Neither decision is easy; both have their positives and minuses. My goal has been to limit the number of medications I take (daily and as needed) so the thought of taking less meds is very tempting.
Last year I achieved this at great physical (and mental) cost. I’m still dealing with the ramifications of having to abandon certain drugs because efficacy had stopped, or the 500+ mile distance between myself and my doctor = not getting refill prescriptions until I returned home in early October. My undiagnosed bipolar 2 (mixed) added to the stresses and strains my body and mind were undergoing. Addition of psyche meds (in increasing doses to find the right “fix”) helped me to address issues caused by the state of my mental health.
Now, it seems, these are the very drugs, mixed with other meds, have caused a rapid decline in motor and cognitive skills. It was my first suspicion when odd and scary things started to happen or increase in frequency. Yet, the shadow cast by dementia and Alzheimer’s will always haunt me.
As I’ve blogged before, my mother was 63 when she had her stroke – the personality changes brought on by this, made dating her decent into dementia difficult. Her sister was younger than 63 when she to show signs of dementia. As a friend, who became caregiver to her aunt and grandmother, knows dementia can strike when someone is 50ish.
The tapering down on meds began the afternoon after an appointment with my doctor to confirm if my first suspicion was correct. I had put drug interactions on the top of my list, but still felt I needed to add dementia as second. She focused on the potential side effects, cumulative over a period of months, and dismissed the dementia theory.
This morning makes me wonder if it is dementia and drug interactions, the way my mother’s stroke-induced personality changes masked the onset of her dementia. Within a half an hour, I had forgotten and discovered my repetition of a task. Unless the house, like my computer, is populated by gremlins, (watched the classic Twilight Zone episode last night with Captain Kirk (W. Shatner) seeing something on the wing of the airplane that no one else can see) then it’s my grasp on reality that is slipping. Usually these lapses or inconsistent behaviour are discovered days and weeks later when, for example, I go to retrieve an item from where I thought I had put it.
I know I have mused before about this, and questioned if I wasn’t taking on some of my mother’s persona, including the dementia factor. But this morning, like a motor skills episode last week, made me wonder what is happening to me. Due to these changes to memory, cognitive and motor skills, coupled with the biazzaro symptoms caused, at least in part by acid reflux, I have had less of an interest in blogging or connecting on facebook.
I have real world matters to attend to, so my blog remains unrenovated, having not decided which theme would best suit my needs. The new community of blogs page up but inaccessible until justpi answered my question of the wordpress forum. Acceptance of awards not officially acknowledged and the privilege passed on. Comments by me on facebook come days after the posting/update. I do a flurry of reading blogs, facebook statuses, emails, then shut down the computer for days. The sporadic nature of my participation in the cyberverse will continue until I’ve made my decision on meds and learned to live with the consequences which every way I choose to go.
Wish me luck; I hope that there will be positive changes in my mental/physical wellbeing soon, all appendages crossed, lol. (Mks t0pinh ardh qtfer 1oo!)