Holding a new life… (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
This morning, I pulled myself up, straighten my bent back, stood more like the old 5 foot 4 inch, and spoke to the woman in the mirror who sometimes is a stranger, “I just want my life back.”
Not a golden age filled with laughter, surprises, the scent of wildflowers, with the sounds of sea and forest bringing calm and meditative peace. That life as such never existed. Nor the one without tears and pain; sans demons within and without – finding such a life would require shifting/morphing time and space.
I want my life back; a life when there still was some sense of adventure and hope; that it was okay to wish and dream just a little; that sometimes I could see a little sunshine through the clouds. No idealist, always a hardheaded realist, jaded, cynical, but with a tiny spark; a shimmery glow light still somewhere inside.
I want my life back; I want that spark, that glimmer back.
I’ve often said the same thing when I’ve looked in the mirror. Then one day I thought, did I really like my old life all that much? My sex life was better….I liked that. So if that pain could go away, I’d be happy on that front.
But for the most part, I like my life. No not the moodiness, the pain, the deafness, the vertigo…..you know….but I like me more. I’ve learned so much about me, and others since I’ve been ill. I don’t take things for granted. I love, but I’m not as gullible. I want the best for others…especially people like you. I wish for you that all your dreams come true.
hugs to you.
wendy
I miss aspects of my old life that can’t be replicated now like spontineity (spelling). And, due to circumstances because of pain/chronic illness or things that made those conditions worse, I lost a lot of my self-confidence and I’m still struggling to get that back.
Then there are funny things now like when I could get away with wearing a bikini, I was too shy and such. Now, I have the “gumshun” (spelling and lack of a better word right now) to wear such a get up but lack the figure to do so!
I’m glad to hear that there are aspects of your present life that you like/are more comfortable with. Maybe some day, I’ll feel more the same way.
We grieve what was and live what is, never truly knowing what will be.
very wise words — oh, days of future past.
Your life is filled with your gift of writing which I know enables you to express yourself in a way many people can not I wondered this morning as I awakened to another day with anxiety, the same inner jittery feelings and clamminess that had not been with me in years past, when will this go away and so I just did what I always do.. face it as it is. I do pray you have a better day tomorrow, and the next…..etc. Here”s to hope!!
thank you for dropping by, and leaving a comment — “here’s to hope” for both of us!
I wish that for u too! I wish it for all of us who have more than enough misery to deal with…dashing our hopes & dreams. We all deserve to live a life with promise. XoxoX
tammy
I really hope that you can live with promise again! You deserve to have some hope in your life!
I will pray that you get all of that and more! (((Hugs)))), my friend. Hang in there.
thank you for the hugs — I will try and hang in there — some days that’s all we can do! Thanks, too for your prayers — I appreciate that too!
I wish, more than anything, for you to get that AND MORE. your old life didn’t serve you so well all the time, I wish a brighter, happier life for you and pray you get it.
thanks for the wish for a brighter, happier life — I wish the same for you — I know that pain and other things have been making that harder lately.