new pages; new projects

After sitting and pondering under some towering redwoods with the wind whispering and the birds singing, next to the path of complaints, and listening to the advice of two women who I think are very wise, I have decided to create a new page: Why This: The Complaints Department. This will me MY complaints department: any issues, complaints, problems, you have with me, my blogging of such, please write to me directly at phylorsblog@ymail.com to voice your complaints. As my inaugurary complaint, I will present a longer discussion/rant/vent about my ever-present baby bump and my efforts to convince it to move along. (Not sure when this will get posted; the original needs some editing, to be sure!)

  • So now I can blog about my mall self-designed, self-help therapy; a bit of Leo Buscaglia
    from his writings on love. He wrote that folks should get on an elevator, stand facing the other people on the elevator, not the door or the floor buttons, and smile. A few folks might get off at the nearest floor, others stay on, but avoid his gaze and smile, but a few might actually smile back. Either way, you’ve changed up your day, and hopefully positively changed someone else’s too.

     

    My goal was 3 fold: to strike up conversations with folks while waiting in lines, sorting through bins of discount underwear, or washing hands in the bathroom. Another was to say nice things to folks – stuff like you have a cute dog; what a cutie (about kids). The third was to complement store staff. I know that in any job, you are more likely to hear complaints than to hear compliments. So, I would tell the cashier that the staff had been friendly and/or helpful; comment on how I liked the cashier/staff person’s jewelry; say to staff members as they tried to tidy up the mess of scarves or sweaters, that they had quite a job keeping up with the way folks go through piles of items. I told the woman who was cleaning the bathrooms in one retail store what a good job she was doing as the bathroom was clean, toilet paper dispensers full, and paper towels available. She, at first, like many of the people I encountered were startled – a bit of the elevator response, but then most (not quite all) realized that the crazy woman meant no harm, and was actually, honestly, grateful and was thanking them and being appreciative of their work, their cute dog, or gorgeous jewelry.

     

    I’ve also been mentioning a project I’d like to start, one that links creativity (prose, poetry, art {of all sorts} with chronic illness/chronic pain. I’ll try and explain the idea more fully on the newly created project page, and will look for all the input, ideas, comments, involvement (no commitments necessary), assistance, and just plain help. That includes if you think the idea, when you read about it on the project page has already been done, or done too many times, is lame, or over the top, TELL ME on the project page; I need to know the good, the bad, and the ugly about my idea. Sorry to continue to sound so vague, but I’m not sure when I’ll get that (and the complaints page) completely set up. I also don’t know if you’ll get email messages that I’ve posted to those pages, so I’ll try and mention in my general blog when I have. And, with the project page – it’s a path I’m not sure I’m stable enough to take, let alone bring other folks along – I’ll like your input on that too – am I the one or am I ready to go down that path right now.

     

    Hubby says I should try and install Dragon Naturally Speaking myself so I don’t have to deal with the pain of writing blogs and comments like I have been (but without facebook, it’s been easier on my neck and face – though I miss the daily contact and the wonderful support that facebook brings.) That’s NOT to downplay the incredible support I’ve been getting in comments on my blog and personal emails! Without you folks, I don’t think I would have made it this far towards my appointment with the therapist on the 21st. Today was one of the not so good days – an afternoon meltdown that I’m slowly recovering from. But, the key word is “recovering” not “meltdown!”

     

    I’m technoshy and still not very technosavy, so I’d rather hubby who is up on all these things, either install the program himself, or help me do so, but he hasn’t been feeling well since Christmas – on and off fighting some sort of virus or something. Since he gets no paid sick days (don’t go to work, don’t get paid), he’s been working through it, which means he’s exhausted in the evenings and recuperating on the weekends, so I really don’t want to bother him with it. Maybe some evening this week (or weekend) when he’s not feeling too bad, I’ll try installing the program and if I goof up, he’ll be here to help straighten things up.

     

    So, here’s some things to look forward to: a) an explanation of the project, and your chance to provide ideas, input, etc. b) my complaints page – if you feel like reading the non-pollyanna side of my life right now – still hoping it won’t get too dark and c) my first nominee(s) for the candle lighter award (now that I think I have the badge on my home blog page).

     

    Anyway, thanks for listening!

paths of dappled sunlight; inspirational steps

Bruce Cockburn (album)

Image via Wikipedia

That I received the candle lighter award, and that it seems I’ve chosen (or did it choose me?) a path of dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves and needles of strong, healing trees today, that my furthest steps so far are on the path of gratitude and thankfulness is by no means a condemnation of writing/blogging about the dark side of things. Whatever your dark side or demons are, they are parts of your journey that might/need to be told.

We all blog for our own reasons; our own goals: catharsis; expression; creativity; coping with demons; writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly that make up our worlds; that are a part of ourselves. Part of my self-designed therapy — while I wait to meet with a therapist in a couple of weeks — (with the help of many comments, emails and conversations, too) is to let my positive ear do the listening for a while.

At least for now, I’m trying to leave the demons in the darkness; to shut them in a closet (figuratively as we don’t actually have a closet) so their whispers aren’t so loud. That doesn’t mean I suddenly think that chronicling dark issues and feelings is inappropriate, misplaced or wrong. It’s just that my current path, my current aim is to walk through and towards the sunlight. To use the tao of the crossroads to head east into the sunrise.

This doesn’t mean I’ll become “phony,” and write happy things when I’m not, that I won’t complain about chronic pain or the health insurance system. There will be days filled with tears; there will be days, perhaps, I do need to go down the dark and dangerous path (holding on to the fact that I’m not really walking that road alone with my demons – there are folks out there I can reach towards). What I want to do right now is to reach out to the folks who care; to remember I have a safety net of internet friends when I take a mis-step on the tightrope of my life.

I admire the bravery of those who blog about their mental health issues – by doing so, they are revealing their private selves; making public the pain, the emotional insecurity, the despair, the isolation. They are not afraid to say what haunts them, what holds them back from the sunshine, what demons lurk in their dark corners. I know I have yet to deal directly with my demons; but for now I’m trying to NOT make them a part of my day; to keep the tears from falling.

The candle lighter award came as one of those serendipitous moments when I was still looking for a path to chose (or chose me). Taken with the earlier phone call I mentioned, and the arrival of a very special parcel full of fun and caring things – seemed like an omen. To take those tentative steps further down the path of dappled sunlight; the path of inspiration – my own and others; to light a way in a world of shadows.

Some folks are working on Day Books, others on gratitude journals. I think I’ll try an write something inspirational and positive every day I can (words of my own and of course borrowed from others – with proper recognition).

When (not if) the demons come back, please remember they are whispering louder than the positive ear can mask. They’ve broken down that virtual closet door and are following me around. But then, it’s the demons, the mental illness crisis that’s talking/blogging not really me. I’m still in there somewhere, as Bruce Cockburn wrote: “kicking at the darkness til it bleeds daylight.”

I really hope that my self-designed therapy, the wise advise of internet friends that I’m gathering into a kind of virtual booklet to help me along, will hold me together til my appointment on the 21st. And my sessions with the therapist will keep me on that dappled sunlight path of recovery.

Thank you all for listening, for being there (even if I didn’t see it/realize it). I have lots of pixie dust, wishing/calming stones, a few fairy wands, and other small gifts of gratitude to disperse. Today is the dappled sunlit path with trees to heal me. Tomorrow, I hope, the path is to a clearing where I can sit in a meadow of wildflowers and address some envelopes. Too bad fairies don’t deliver!

Today’s inspirational quotes are from the wrappers of my cough drops (I have a nasty cold right now): Don’t give up on yourself; Be resilient; Conquer today; Get through it; You’ve survived tougher. Of course, Halls’ “pep talk in every drop” is part of their television campaign, but hey, today, that’s all I got — a lot of cough drop wrappers, lol.

(photo removed: sorry, didn’t realize it wasn’t in public domain due to method by which I found it: just imagine a path through a woods with dappled sunlight through the leaves, and streaks of sunshine making pools on the forest floor and path)

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