bipolar 2, hypomania/mania, mixed, rapid cycling: am i one, all or none of the above?

shultz, dooley, and friends

I realize there was a “poor, poor, pitiful me” (to quote my muse, W. Zevon) over/undertone to my post about bipolar, health insurance and everything in between. Feeling overwhelmed and emotionally and physically exhausted, I spent a little time (k, a lot of time) crying in my beer (if I could still drink beer of course, lol).

The more research I do into this bipolar 2 thing, the more confused I become. While there is mostly agreement as to the depression phase (and poor response to anti-depressants), I’m understanding less rather than more about my hypomania/mania episodes. Sometimes I’m rapid cycling (moving between states of depression and angry/binging/irritability), other times I’m both for long periods of time – try about 2 years with the last 9 months (March to November 2011) the worst. Am I mixed because I constantly exhibit some level of the depressive side of bipolar 2, but my hypomania episodes have tended to lean towards binging, or crying – with some rage thrown in for good measure? Each new definition I read, each new article/website/support group I come across, I must admit I feel more overwhelmed with information rather than clear on my condition.

As I mentioned in a comment to my last post: I need an app for that, throw in the low sodium factor and things get even murkier. Both the medicating psychiatrist and my doctor are concerned that low sodium levels are causing a series of issues that mimic bipolar 2 and can have impacts on cognitive and motor skills – all of which has been going on for the last several months. My doctor even thinks that it goes further – leading to a hormone imbalance and loss of even more sodium.

I’ve gained weight though strangely, I weigh 10 pounds MORE at her office than on my scale at home. Either way, a diet regime is necessary – to increase sodium without adding pounds through water retention and salty snacks. Does air popped popcorn count? I may have to adjust to a “new normal” in the weight department – a tough sell after weighing within 5 or so pounds (up or down) at a certain weight until last summer – for someone with a history of binging and body image issues. Oops, someone ordered another round of beer to cry into and the last thing I need is an even bigger beer gut, lol.

last call?

I need an app for that

“Get fat on Lorings Fat-ten-u and corpula foods”; “Advertisement showing young woman with package of Loring’s Fat-Ten-U food tablets and package of Loring’s Corpula, a fat-producting food.” Color lithograph (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If I ever get a smart phone, there are certain apps I’ll probably not buy: the probability and surety that a piano will fall on my head; the chance that a comet is headed straight for earth, it’s a bad hair day or how not to get to a greasy spoon diner. But there is one app I definitely need and it would start with the robot from “Lost in Space” shouting “warning, warning, danger, danger” as I’m about the explode with rage from a bipolar 2 hypo/manic episode.

It sure would have come in handy the last few weeks. I’ve been rapidly cycling through binging and destroying the contains of our little house. Brought on by stress and rapid, no reason for it weight gain and protruding abdomen (echoes of last year). The binging was mostly food (a bit of shopping and hiding purchases by using a credit card not tied to an account hubby has access to) and what a binge it’s been. My waist is now usually 40 inches and unbearable to have clothes touching and I’ve regained all the weight I tried so hard to lose since December and I suspect when I get weighed tomorrow at the doctor’s office, I will be at least 30 pounds over my ideal weight. This will send me spiraling downward as my bipolar 2 can do.

I destroyed the house twice, and the 2^nd time was so upset and tired from my rampage, I couldn’t finish the job of putting things back together – hubby had to. I had to increase both of my meds (I had to reduce one due to dangerously low sodium levels in my blood) to try to lift my mood and stabilize my emotions. The binging has to stop (for years I had it under control) and the rage has to find another outlet than throwing stuff including medication with the lid off!

I should have gone to the ER yesterday, or called my shrink or doctor, but it would have gone nowhere. Hubby couldn’t come home. He was in a bad way himself as he found out through unofficial channels that in October, contract employees will be given the choice of taking a reduction in pay (in hubby’s case ½ of what he is making per hour now) with no more access to buying health care insurance.

We’re screwed as we can barely make it on his salary now, and without health care no more meds and no more doctors. I can stockpile some drugs til we lose our health care, but Lyrica is a controlled substance and I can only get a 6 month supply at a time. I would be due to get a new script in October, so there goes my pain meds. When I think of how much pain I will be in, I start to cry. It is unbearable and will completely disable me.

I don’t qualify for disability, and even if I did, I would have to wait at least a year before Medicaid would take effect. I’m afraid of what life will be like. I suspect I won’t be able to get out of bed. Eve writing this brings on the tears, so I have to leave go.