If I ever get a smart phone, there are certain apps I’ll probably not buy: the probability and surety that a piano will fall on my head; the chance that a comet is headed straight for earth, it’s a bad hair day or how not to get to a greasy spoon diner. But there is one app I definitely need and it would start with the robot from “Lost in Space” shouting “warning, warning, danger, danger” as I’m about the explode with rage from a bipolar 2 hypo/manic episode.
It sure would have come in handy the last few weeks. I’ve been rapidly cycling through binging and destroying the contains of our little house. Brought on by stress and rapid, no reason for it weight gain and protruding abdomen (echoes of last year). The binging was mostly food (a bit of shopping and hiding purchases by using a credit card not tied to an account hubby has access to) and what a binge it’s been. My waist is now usually 40 inches and unbearable to have clothes touching and I’ve regained all the weight I tried so hard to lose since December and I suspect when I get weighed tomorrow at the doctor’s office, I will be at least 30 pounds over my ideal weight. This will send me spiraling downward as my bipolar 2 can do.
I destroyed the house twice, and the 2nd time was so upset and tired from my rampage, I couldn’t finish the job of putting things back together – hubby had to. I had to increase both of my meds (I had to reduce one due to dangerously low sodium levels in my blood) to try to lift my mood and stabilize my emotions. The binging has to stop (for years I had it under control) and the rage has to find another outlet than throwing stuff including medication with the lid off!
I should have gone to the ER yesterday, or called my shrink or doctor, but it would have gone nowhere. Hubby couldn’t come home. He was in a bad way himself as he found out through unofficial channels that in October, contract employees will be given the choice of taking a reduction in pay (in hubby’s case ½ of what he is making per hour now) with no more access to buying health care insurance.
We’re screwed as we can barely make it on his salary now, and without health care no more meds and no more doctors. I can stockpile some drugs til we lose our health care, but Lyrica is a controlled substance and I can only get a 6 month supply at a time. I would be due to get a new script in October, so there goes my pain meds. When I think of how much pain I will be in, I start to cry. It is unbearable and will completely disable me.
I don’t qualify for disability, and even if I did, I would have to wait at least a year before Medicaid would take effect. I’m afraid of what life will be like. I suspect I won’t be able to get out of bed. Eve writing this brings on the tears, so I have to leave go.