Tag Archives: tentative steps

paths of dappled sunlight; inspirational steps

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Bruce Cockburn (album)

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That I received the candle lighter award, and that it seems I’ve chosen (or did it choose me?) a path of dappled sunlight filtered through the leaves and needles of strong, healing trees today, that my furthest steps so far are on the path of gratitude and thankfulness is by no means a condemnation of writing/blogging about the dark side of things. Whatever your dark side or demons are, they are parts of your journey that might/need to be told.

We all blog for our own reasons; our own goals: catharsis; expression; creativity; coping with demons; writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly that make up our worlds; that are a part of ourselves. Part of my self-designed therapy — while I wait to meet with a therapist in a couple of weeks — (with the help of many comments, emails and conversations, too) is to let my positive ear do the listening for a while.

At least for now, I’m trying to leave the demons in the darkness; to shut them in a closet (figuratively as we don’t actually have a closet) so their whispers aren’t so loud. That doesn’t mean I suddenly think that chronicling dark issues and feelings is inappropriate, misplaced or wrong. It’s just that my current path, my current aim is to walk through and towards the sunlight. To use the tao of the crossroads to head east into the sunrise.

This doesn’t mean I’ll become “phony,” and write happy things when I’m not, that I won’t complain about chronic pain or the health insurance system. There will be days filled with tears; there will be days, perhaps, I do need to go down the dark and dangerous path (holding on to the fact that I’m not really walking that road alone with my demons – there are folks out there I can reach towards). What I want to do right now is to reach out to the folks who care; to remember I have a safety net of internet friends when I take a mis-step on the tightrope of my life.

I admire the bravery of those who blog about their mental health issues – by doing so, they are revealing their private selves; making public the pain, the emotional insecurity, the despair, the isolation. They are not afraid to say what haunts them, what holds them back from the sunshine, what demons lurk in their dark corners. I know I have yet to deal directly with my demons; but for now I’m trying to NOT make them a part of my day; to keep the tears from falling.

The candle lighter award came as one of those serendipitous moments when I was still looking for a path to chose (or chose me). Taken with the earlier phone call I mentioned, and the arrival of a very special parcel full of fun and caring things – seemed like an omen. To take those tentative steps further down the path of dappled sunlight; the path of inspiration – my own and others; to light a way in a world of shadows.

Some folks are working on Day Books, others on gratitude journals. I think I’ll try an write something inspirational and positive every day I can (words of my own and of course borrowed from others – with proper recognition).

When (not if) the demons come back, please remember they are whispering louder than the positive ear can mask. They’ve broken down that virtual closet door and are following me around. But then, it’s the demons, the mental illness crisis that’s talking/blogging not really me. I’m still in there somewhere, as Bruce Cockburn wrote: “kicking at the darkness til it bleeds daylight.”

I really hope that my self-designed therapy, the wise advise of internet friends that I’m gathering into a kind of virtual booklet to help me along, will hold me together til my appointment on the 21st. And my sessions with the therapist will keep me on that dappled sunlight path of recovery.

Thank you all for listening, for being there (even if I didn’t see it/realize it). I have lots of pixie dust, wishing/calming stones, a few fairy wands, and other small gifts of gratitude to disperse. Today is the dappled sunlit path with trees to heal me. Tomorrow, I hope, the path is to a clearing where I can sit in a meadow of wildflowers and address some envelopes. Too bad fairies don’t deliver!

Today’s inspirational quotes are from the wrappers of my cough drops (I have a nasty cold right now): Don’t give up on yourself; Be resilient; Conquer today; Get through it; You’ve survived tougher. Of course, Halls’ “pep talk in every drop” is part of their television campaign, but hey, today, that’s all I got — a lot of cough drop wrappers, lol.

(photo removed: sorry, didn’t realize it wasn’t in public domain due to method by which I found it: just imagine a path through a woods with dappled sunlight through the leaves, and streaks of sunshine making pools on the forest floor and path)

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a few tentative steps

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Winston Churchill as a young boy, aged 7, in D...

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It’s been cold lately, so I put on my “fuggs” – my $5.00 imitation uggs – and took a tentative step or three. Not sure yet what path that these first steps on my journey will take me on.

I am very glad I posted “a request.” I have received feedback and I hope clarified what the downside of my current mental health crisis does. I sincerely hope that helped. When you get as low as I have been, you do feel alone and on the outside – despite what the reality of the situation may be! I really hope I continue to get feedback!

I also took the step of closing down, at least for now, my facebook account and membership in an online group. I’m not sure that Dragon Naturally Speaking works with facebook and I still need to learn how my new “toy” works in terms of writing blogs, make blog comments and respond to and send emails. Once I get the hang of it – I will try facebooking again.

As I said in “not the brightest light bulb,” my withdrawal is due to the pain over using the computer causes. If I’m connected to facebook, either by my own account, or through the wonderful group “Graceful Agony,” I want to click on every link, comment on many of the threads, etc. Once I can do this with Dragon (fingers crossed I can), I will facebook again. There is so much good out there in the cyberverse, support for myself and others, great information, and inspirational, creative postings. I do get email notices when some folks post a blog. With Dragon, I hope to both read the blog and leave a comment.

Thank you to everyone for the support, caring, and compassion they have shown me. When I crash, I forget that there are folks out there I can reach out to – that’s part of the ugliness of what I’m fighting. I hope to one day be able to reactivate my facebook account so I can rejoin special, wonderful online communities such as “Grateful Agony.”

I was having a better day today, getting ready to head off to the train for my yearly mammogram, when I got a very upsetting phone call. I melted down both during the call, then afterwards. The call and the meltdown meant I missed my train. But then I let go of the phone call, contacted the Breast Center to explain I couldn’t make my appointment. There was an opening 40 minutes later which I could make. So, I rebooked, took the next train, had time in the town to buy a card at the wonderful store Papyrus and walk to the hospital (all bundled up) with plenty of time before my second appointment.

I don’t know what paths these things will send me down, but at least I took a short stroll down the path of letting go. I also, using my mantra of “be positive” to finally respond to a lot of comments left on 1 is the loneliest number, and the addendum – my awkward attempt at an apology for allowing the demons to convince me there wasn’t anyone out there for me. The demons are so wrong! Sorry it has taken me to so long to respond. The dark demons whisper louder sometimes than the voices of reality that say people care and want to help – that I’m not alone. I really should have responded sooner, my apologizes for not doing so.

I’d like to finish off this blog entry with 2 things I read today. One was one a bookmark, the other on a magnet I bought.

Irish Blessing:

May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May song birds serenade your every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each your whole life.

And, the magnet – a quote from Winston Churchill: never, never, never give up.

Today I’m standing at the crossroads in the sunshine; there is no guarantee that there won’t be shadows and dark clouds the next time I try to find my path. Part of my trying to handle things and keep things together is to focus on the positive when I can. Today I can. I hope I can do the same again tomorrow/next blog.

This was done without my new “toy.” I hope my next posting is done with my dragon. Looking forward to that day.