The original Chicago Ferris Wheel, built for the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition (Wiki)
ferris wheel stops but cars swing with kinetic motion. high above the fairground; music faint; lights below flicker small like birthday cake candles; no smells of hot dogs, donuts and cotton candy; shrieks from roller coaster float by; far off the city glows like stars and moon in night sky. fear can overcome the view, the calm and stillness, the feeling of being above it all, freedom and flight. hurky-jerky, descent begins; neon tracers flash strobiscopically. anticipation, panic as each car reaches the ground and spills its cargo of laughing participants in experiment of life. walk away with shaky hands and weak legs. not asked to join in the laughter, stumble through the tears.
rollercoaster begins slow ascent, brief moment at top of the world, then hold tight to bar as laws of gravity are broken hurling down; world melts into dali painting. no time to exhale; scream comes, primal and unbidden; mouth frozen open; munch’s scream on wheels. then up, climbing Everest of track to nothing of space and time; float on air then plunge, all sense of safety, sanity flying backward and into the night. hold tight, the ride is just beginning; ninety degree turns, impossible grades, dizzying heights and crashing depths before sudden stop. legs shaking, mind still flying round corners and down mountains. tinny music, twang of country star on far away stage, grounded but earthquake tremors move earth beneath feet. put one foot before the other; hang on.
Life as unstable, rapid cycling of hypomanic/manic episodes, sucked into black hole of depression and viewing the world through perceived reality. Scary to look back now somewhat stable, more steady on feet and avoiding fairgrounds. Did I really trash the house so many times, create bleak blogs, emails, letters, and conversations, let abandonment, and loneliness seem the norm, scream and yell, engage in destructive behaviour, let envy, pettiness and self-pity eat away at me, indulge addictions and obsessions, base self-esteem, and self-validation on the whims and actions of others? Was that my evil twin sister, my troubled child-self, or me? Who was I then, who am I now?