Who was I then, who am I now?

The original Chicago Ferris Wheel, built for the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition (Wiki)

ferris wheel stops but cars swing with kinetic motion. high above the fairground; music faint; lights below flicker small like birthday cake candles; no smells of hot dogs, donuts and cotton candy; shrieks from roller coaster float by; far off the city glows like stars and moon in night sky. fear can overcome the view, the calm and stillness, the feeling of being above it all, freedom and flight. hurky-jerky, descent begins; neon tracers flash strobiscopically. anticipation, panic as each car reaches the ground and spills its cargo of laughing participants in experiment of life. walk away with shaky hands and weak legs. not asked to join in the laughter, stumble through the tears.

rollercoaster begins slow ascent, brief moment at top of the world, then hold tight to bar as laws of gravity are broken hurling down; world melts into dali painting. no time to exhale; scream comes, primal and unbidden; mouth frozen open; munch’s scream on wheels. then up, climbing Everest of track to nothing of space and time; float on air then plunge, all sense of safety, sanity flying backward and into the night. hold tight, the ride is just beginning; ninety degree turns, impossible grades, dizzying heights and crashing depths before sudden stop. legs shaking, mind still flying round corners and down mountains. tinny music, twang of country star on far away stage, grounded but earthquake tremors move earth beneath feet. put one foot before the other; hang on.

Life as unstable, rapid cycling of hypomanic/manic episodes, sucked into black hole of depression and viewing the world through perceived reality. Scary to look back now somewhat stable, more steady on feet and avoiding fairgrounds. Did I really trash the house so many times, create bleak blogs, emails, letters, and conversations, let abandonment, and loneliness seem the norm, scream and yell, engage in destructive behaviour, let envy, pettiness and self-pity eat away at me, indulge addictions and obsessions, base self-esteem, and self-validation on the whims and actions of others? Was that my evil twin sister, my troubled child-self, or me? Who was I then, who am I now?


7 thoughts on “Who was I then, who am I now?

  1. taleweavering May 8, 2016 / 2:20 am

    Reblogged this on Phylor's Blog and commented:

    Written May 15, 2012, an attempt to explain hypo/mania. If I had the energy, I’d edit the final paragraph to more reflect changes/rearrangements. I do truly wish I could say these were all for the best.


  2. wendy May 16, 2012 / 10:47 am

    You expressed yourself so eloquently. I too have felt like…who was that person. It’s like a dream, I know I lived it, but I can’t believe I acted or felt that way. How could that be me? We hate to blame it all on the bipolar…but it is. I’m not like that normally. I’m not a mean person by nature, I’m not someone who hides in my bedroom thinking the unthinkable thoughts, I’m not someone who indulges in addictive behaviors….heck I don’t even drink…not the real me.
    The Bipolar me…oh she does much, much more. She throws fits, she…well I don’t even want to think about that person.
    She is my evil twin. She isn’t me. I swear it’s like I have a split personality. A manic one, a depressive one, and a normal one.

    Luckily, I barely see the other two any more…the real Wendy fought a good fight and has won. for now…but the fear of the other me coming back is always there.


    • phylor May 19, 2012 / 12:28 am

      I’m so glad the real Wendy won! I’m tettering between the two right now — despite writing about stability, I’m afraid I’m loosing it very quiclky. Being stable didn’t mean happiness, bluebirds singing, sun shine, etc. More what it wasn’t: trashed furniture, primal screaming and uncontrolable crying, no hope, and the list goes on. Don’t know why but abodem has started swelling like last year — still don’t know the trgger, but every day my waist grows an inch (and I image my weight a pound). Following the pattern of last year (and starting from a higher begining), this time it will get out to about 48 to 50 inches, and my weight will reach at least over 150 pounds. With my shakey mental stake, and inablity to find work or volenteer work (and inability to leave how due to lack of clothes to fit, the slight process I have made will disappear. I’ve started crying uncontrolabling and staying up to all hours, not a good sign.
      But enoug If enough brambling and self pity for one comment.
      Thanks for stopping bye with the encouraging news that this is something that you can beat!


      • Wendy May 22, 2012 / 5:37 pm

        my dear I’m sorry I’m not around as much as I’d like. my migraines have been out of control, and the computer has not been my best friend when my head is exploding or I’m having MAV (migraine associated vertigo)
        I understand about the abdomen…it sounds like you may have a food intolerance. Fructose did that to me…and I blew up to about 200 lbs. Yes, not so good on a less than 5’5″ frame. I’m finally getting the food under control, with the help of enzymes called Digest Spectrum. I take them when I eat something I’m not sure about…and it has really helped. I’m also doing weight watchers, but the Digest Spectrum is what got my belly to go down. I’m not at 188, still almost 50 more lbs to go, but I’m determined to get there.
        I too had the problem with clothes. I hit the thrift stores and found some things to get me through this time. I decided, it’s just a phase, I can do it….I can take it off. And if not, heck, my husband still thinks I’m hot! hahaha And I found some cute clothes that have helped me feel a bit better, instead of squeezing into my old clothes, that I just don’t understand why they don’t fit any more, they did not long ago….what the heck happened to me? Oh yeah, the fructose….but they lied they said once it was under control the weight would just fall off….liars! It’s taking a lot of work.

        and yes, we can beat this bipolar thing….we can, sometimes I still need my meds adjusted, like now, I just had my antidepressants uped. I’ve been so down lately. sleeping a crying all the time. luckily I’m sure the medication will help. I can tell this isn’t just normal, I’m depressed because of everything that’s happening, it’s deeper…darker.

        good luck to you my friend.


  3. MentalMakeovers May 15, 2012 / 4:34 pm

    You are a really helping others by sharing your very personal experience so eloquently, so honestly. We are all on this coaster ride together even though you are often strapped alone into
    a front car.

    What I know is that our physical human bodies and minds are not perfect. Our soul is permanent, without ego and lives in love.
    Your soul is always present. It sometimes takes modern medical science to help us remember we have a soul.
    with love,


    • phylor May 15, 2012 / 4:49 pm

      anks for your thoughtful comment. The post just came out in a rush — not planned or prewritten in a note book.
      I agree that our souls stay with us. I think too, that the spirits of those who have passed and are with us bring their souls with them — it is that essence that they continue to share.
      Hope all is well with you. I miss being able to visit your blog. I haven’t got too many notices about postings lately — hope you and Max are okay!
      Take good care!


      • phylor May 15, 2012 / 4:50 pm

        oops, as usual, there is at least one typo — not anks but Thanks! I’m always misplacing or losing something!


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