dulled like a pencil in need of sharpening

I feel dulled, like a well-used pencil that needs sharpening. With a touch of numbness. And always the sadness.

I am finally have a treatment plan crafted by a psychiatrist. Involving (bi) or weekly sessions with a therapist, and for now medication (I was off all my pysch. drugs by December). I’ve been on the anti-ds for 2 weeks; the dullness could be a result.

Tired too. Makes everything a great effort. Still doing my “dailies:” scrapping hubby’s car in the morning; putting on (usually clean or lightly worn) street clothes; sweeping floors in our the 4 rooms; writing; crossword/word puzzles. Added “dust and organize a shelf” and “read driver’s manual.” (Always said I’d get my driver’s license before I was 60, lol) If the weather would cooperate, I’d add back in “walking.”

Sleep comes and goes; asthma-like acid reflux symptoms stay. Dexilant has reached tolerance levels again. Brings back bad childhood memories of wheezing my way through certain seasons/environments with no air conditioning or medication to bring relief. Decided to see doctor this week; tough to do yoga breathing and sleep sitting up.

Receding snow revealed snowdrops, blooming despite the temperatures. Saw a robin. Harbingers of spring; renewal and rebirth. Shaking off the cloak of snow and ice. A million shades of fresh green. Honey breezes. Better days, better fortunes?

(image: wikipedia)


7 thoughts on “dulled like a pencil in need of sharpening

  1. Colline March 7, 2014 / 10:42 am

    I hope you are sharpened soon Phylor. Hopefully the forthcoming spring will help.


    • phylor March 8, 2014 / 4:55 pm

      Today held the promise of spring. The sun melting the snow, the breeze warm rather than cold. Perhaps the sharpening of spring will sharpen my soul.


  2. wendy March 6, 2014 / 12:34 pm

    I too have been feeling as you have, but haven’t been keeping up with my “dailies”. that it a big accomplishment on it’s own.
    The first signs of Spring…it always gives me hope. Shedding the cold, dead feelings of winter. I saw a daffodil on Sunday, of course it froze on Monday with freezing rain, I’m sure the daffodil did not survive, but I know others will follow. Another thought that keeps the hope alive.

    I’m proud of you. All your hard work. Searching and searching for someone that you could see. I hope the process is quicker than it often is. (you know the struggles I’m having with medication right now….it seems to take forever to straighten it out).

    May the wheezing stop soon. I feel for you. On top of my asthma I have bad acid reflux. I have found Bananas help. I eat one before sleeping and it has really been helping. (watermelon helps too, but I can’t eat that anymore). Good luck my dear. I hope the doctor can help with that too.

    And may the new season that is arriving, help give us a new lease on life (or at least a sharper pencil).


    • phylor March 6, 2014 / 3:08 pm

      I’m hoping spring or my body adjusting acts like a pencil sharpener. Thanks for the encouraging words (as usual).
      I saw the newer doctor today — turns out he has exactly the same problem and had it for years. And, like me, it was seen as a problem like asthma, rather than acid reflux.
      It was finally diagnosed, and he takes Nexium and it stops the cough. (His had gotten so bad, he thought he might have lung cancer!) Not sure if health insurance covers (hope there’s a generic) but I’ll give it a try.
      Gained weight — shouldn’t have — so perhaps the cycle is being again stopping me from getting back to close to my normal weight. distressing and depressing!
      The therapist seems okay — she operates independently of the psychiatrist who’s specialty is medical management. Actually made it through a very emotionally story without crying! She wondered why I thought that was good. I explained how I can start crying uncontrollably when remembering or relating such an event, even when trying to take away what was positive about the experience.
      Hope your medication is getting worked out — it makes everything difficult when it’s not helping with emotional balance.
      Thanks for the tip re bananas. I love them. Only problem is I like them when they are still partly green, and they seem to ripen so fast at home I can only buy a couple at a time. I’ll let you know if under-ripe bananas have the same effect.


      • wendy March 6, 2014 / 10:50 pm

        I will say I think the ripe bananas are more likely to work. I used to eat the greener bananas, but found out they have more fructose, as they ripen, and taste sweeter, they change and have more glucose than fructose…so I can eat them only when they start to have a couple of spots. I found out on Alton Brown’s show….that Banana’s are not ripe until they have a few spots! I was shocked. I’ve gotten used to the sweeter taste, but really I don’t know about the acid reducer part. I read about that in a book about what fruits do for you….it didn’t say if they had to be ripe or not.
        can’t hurt to try.

        I think it’s great that you saw a doctor that has the same issue you have. That’s a sure way to make sure they listen to you! I’m on Prevacid and Zantac….plus more if needed. A pain in the butt. I’ve been on Nexium. I’m sure there’s a generic.

        good luck!


    • phylor March 6, 2014 / 2:58 pm

      Yes, we do go through our seasons. Spring does tend to bring a sense of rebirth to ourselves and to nature.


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