#fwF are you up for this: 3 shadows

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Kellie Elmore’s free write Friday: Are You Up For This

Most people have only one shadow; I have three. The one that everyone can see. Then two only I can see: chronic physical pain, and chronic emotional and mental illnesses.

During the first session with my therapist, I announced:

I can accept my physical pain. I accept it will always be part of me. I own my chronic physical pain, it doesn’t own me.

I can’t accept my emotional/mental illnesses. I want to change them. I want to own them. Right now, they own me.

I became aware, by 3, that pain like my ankles since birth, and headaches since two were forever. I felt like sadness and loneliness were forevers too. So my two extra shadows follow me on moonless nights and dark sky days.

For a millennium my 2 shadows dominated. Finally there were medications that tamped the physical pain down – I started to really own it. But medication didn’t help my chronic emotional/mental issues. That shadow followed  me unrelentingly keeping me unstable. Whispering negative voices and interpretations. Blending into the shadowed corners of my mind. Hiding. Waiting. Time at center stage.

I finally have a therapist. I hope we can shine a light so bright into my mind, that the lurkers, the hurters, the non-forgetters, the negativityers, the pessimisters will have to leave.

So,  Ernest, I don’t know if I “wrote hard, wrote clear”, but I did mention what hurts.

 

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11 thoughts on “#fwF are you up for this: 3 shadows

  1. Tracesofthesoul June 15, 2014 / 3:18 am

    You are brave and I admire your strength to share here. You did good and hoping your therapist and you will find a medium together in your healing…writing is helpful even if it hurts. Blessings and thank you for this courageous post. Oliana

    Like

    • phylor June 15, 2014 / 6:47 pm

      Thank you Oliana for your encouraging words. I hope the therapist and I can find the place where the emotional/mental pain hides. I see her tomorrow; it’s been a rough week.

      Like

  2. Suzanne June 14, 2014 / 10:40 pm

    You definitely wrote hard and clear. I hope you find some relief from your mental anguish. As Kim (of the previous comment) keep writing – expressing your journey in words can be incredibly healing.

    Like

    • phylor June 15, 2014 / 6:51 pm

      Yes, writing as therapy is an important healing tool. I hope to write of my journey.

      Like

  3. Colline June 14, 2014 / 8:31 pm

    I am thankful that I do not experience these hurts. And I hope that your therapist is able to help you chase these shadows away.

    Like

    • phylor June 14, 2014 / 8:38 pm

      Thanks Colline. It took a very long time to find one (health insurance providers and public transit among other things got in the way).
      Thanks for the good thoughts. I’ll let you know re the shadows.

      Like

  4. phylor June 14, 2014 / 8:16 pm

    Thanks for the encouraging comments!
    Sometimes its hard to share when it’s deeply personal. But, I have resolved to be more open. My thoughts on these issues are scattered among my posts. Its time to organize my thinking.

    Like

  5. buildingalifeofhope June 14, 2014 / 7:59 pm

    Yep hard and clear and true. I hope you will write more of this journey as you become more ready to share.

    Like

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