Kellie Elmore’s free write Friday: Are You Up For This
Most people have only one shadow; I have three. The one that everyone can see. Then two only I can see: chronic physical pain, and chronic emotional and mental illnesses.
During the first session with my therapist, I announced:
I can accept my physical pain. I accept it will always be part of me. I own my chronic physical pain, it doesn’t own me.
I can’t accept my emotional/mental illnesses. I want to change them. I want to own them. Right now, they own me.
I became aware, by 3, that pain like my ankles since birth, and headaches since two were forever. I felt like sadness and loneliness were forevers too. So my two extra shadows follow me on moonless nights and dark sky days.
For a millennium my 2 shadows dominated. Finally there were medications that tamped the physical pain down – I started to really own it. But medication didn’t help my chronic emotional/mental issues. That shadow followed me unrelentingly keeping me unstable. Whispering negative voices and interpretations. Blending into the shadowed corners of my mind. Hiding. Waiting. Time at center stage.
I finally have a therapist. I hope we can shine a light so bright into my mind, that the lurkers, the hurters, the non-forgetters, the negativityers, the pessimisters will have to leave.
So, Ernest, I don’t know if I “wrote hard, wrote clear”, but I did mention what hurts.