I haven’t written much about my health (mental/physical), or health issues since my April Marathon.
I been doing creative writing based on prompts. Some of me, of course, is hidden deep in my writing – my voice, my creative muse. It’s been interesting and fun to explore that side of my writing. It takes me away from the realities of my life.
Writing fiction, fantasy, fairy tales, etc. has been a diversion, a distraction (perhaps too much of one). My chronic pain has become much worse, some times so bad I cry. Where I hurt before becomes more intense. And, I developed new areas of chronic pain.
After years of owning my pain, it now has ownership over me. I’ve even considered making an appointment with my primary care physician to ask for low dose oxycodone to tide me over until the specialists I will need to see have answers. I didn’t. I won’t. I’m off opioids, taking tramadol for pain.
It’s unclear as to which specialists to contact given the nature of the pain. Some will be dentists – which we have to pay for, others within our network such as neurologists. Some of the issues are more complicated that just “it hurts,” and I hope these are simply blimps in the state of my life.
I hope I get answers this time. For so many years there has been no diagnosis, or misdiagnoses. All my illness are invisible. When the physical/mental pain is unbearable, you will see it in my eyes.
I also have a lot of mental pain right now. I’m seeing a therapist, and we are trying to heal all the open wounds I have from past traumas. It hurts to heal as I have to replay parts of my life I’d rather forget, or try and find some wisp of the years I don’t remember/have blocked out.
I’ve told her things I have never told anyone else. It just feels good to talk, to open up. I actually cried a few times – and I had trained myself to never cry in front of anyone. It took a while. Sometime there were tears in my voice, not rolling down my cheeks.
Why this is part one? I wanted to discuss my worsening pain, changes to existing conditions and the need to find the causes (there will be more than one).
September is a busy awareness month: suicide, chronic pain, invisible illness. In the next post, I will provide links to various organizations. I will also reblog some posts I’ve written on these subjects.
So I hope you made it this far, and will come back to learn more about mental and physical health issues.