“To feel pain, is to feel alive.” Anon
There are great chunks of my life I’ve forgotten: on purpose; memory and cognitive problems; and loss of reference.
But I do remember that chronic pain is pain – whether physical, emotional, or mental. My ankles have hurt since before I was two. I experienced the pain of being left out when I was 3. There could be two-digit numbers added to each with the same result. I carry around stale physical, emotional and mental pain. Not that each weighs heavy equally, or at the same time. But the things that make me angry, sad, lonely, left out, over-looked are part of a continuum; a Mobius loop of repeated images and feelings.
I can’t get my “old” life back – and there are I-Max 3d movies I’d rather not watch any way. I’d like the ability to hold back the anxiety. To do those simple tasks I now find impossible to begin without becoming frozen and overwhelmed. To regain self-confidence. To find out why my face re-exploded; which set of pain referring nerves in my neck are causing a new intense pain in my face and giving me daily headaches and mini-migraines.
I’d like to find the me that can handle these pains: regain ownership of my physical pain; tear off the emotional scabs so that these wounds can heal properly. Not an easy processes, but one I know I’m not going through alone.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
written for Towards Healing: 31 Days of Five Minute Free Writes