Towards healing means that sometimes the healing causes a great deal of emotional pain. That triggers more physical pain. Yesterday, I had a theme for my five minutes, so I’ll start with that.
31 days of free writes: October 7: crashes
I am surrounded by my demons. Even those I thought vanquished. (I have the battle scars). My shield and sword have disappeared so I must face them alone. They are the whispers, the tellers of untruths.
When I crash, I believe their negative ideas: I am worthless; I am a failure; I will never heal; I am unlovable. They show me images of the past and future I do not want to see.
When I am strong, I can fight them. I can not listen and dispatch them with sword and shield. But when I crash, I am no longer in control of anything, least of which are my demons.
On the road to healing, you might crash. In fact, you probably will. All the hard work will seem to be swallowed up. Battles you’ve fought, you feel like you have to win again.
Remember, what ever form your demons take, they speak untruths. They find your weakness and prey upon it. Sometimes their whispers are like yells and your feel like you can not yell louder them.
I’ve felt like I’m falling into the abyss before. My therapist says that my demons speak untruths, and that I have made progress, and I will get that progress back.
So will you.
31 days of free writes: October 8: real words
My therapist asked me how I felt/how it affected me when I had an anxiety attack. I could tell stories about it, talk around it, but to actually tell her how it felt physically and mentally was very difficult.
And that’s the trouble with words. Whether you’re seeing a specialist about a chronic illness, or trying to keep it together mentally, the real words can get lost.
The real words means for example how the pain feels. On a scale of one to ten doesn’t cut it. Let’s use the children’s picture scale. That’s far more realistic.
Same when you see a doctor. You know your body, illness, pain, more than they do. But, if they don’t listen to the real words, then you are on one planet, and they are on another.
We have to learn the real words, and keep speaking them, shouting them, educate others about them. The real words aren’t “I feel okay,” the real words are “I feel like h**l.”
I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at explaining words and real words. Good thing the five minutes are almost up.
Still dealing with demons, so maybe my mind is only half on this.