31 days of free writes: catch up for the 7th and the 8th

Towards healing means that sometimes the healing causes a great deal of emotional pain. That triggers more physical pain. Yesterday, I had a theme for my five minutes, so I’ll start with that.

31 days of free writes: October 7: crashes

GO

I am surrounded by my demons. Even those I thought vanquished. (I have the battle scars). My shield and sword have disappeared so I must face them alone. They are the whispers, the tellers of untruths.

When I crash, I believe their negative ideas: I am worthless; I am a failure; I will never heal; I am unlovable. They show me images of the past and future I do not want to see.

When I am strong, I can fight them. I can not listen and dispatch them with sword and shield. But when I crash, I am no longer in control of anything, least of which are my demons.

On the road to healing, you might crash. In fact, you probably will. All the hard work will seem to be swallowed up. Battles you’ve fought, you feel like you have to win again.

Remember, what ever form your demons take, they speak untruths. They find your weakness and prey upon it. Sometimes their whispers are like yells and your feel like you can not yell louder them.

I’ve felt like I’m falling into the abyss before. My therapist says that my demons speak untruths, and that I have made progress, and I will get that progress back.

So will you.

STOP

31 days of free writes: October 8: real words

GO

My therapist asked me how I felt/how it affected me when I had an anxiety attack. I could tell stories about it, talk around it, but to actually tell her how it felt physically and mentally was very difficult.

And that’s the trouble with words. Whether you’re seeing a specialist about a chronic illness, or trying to keep it together mentally, the real words can get lost.

The real words means for example how the pain feels. On a scale of one to ten doesn’t cut it. Let’s use the children’s picture scale. That’s far more realistic.

Same when you see a doctor. You know your body, illness, pain, more than they do. But, if they don’t listen to the real words, then you are on one planet, and they are on another.

We have to learn the real words, and keep speaking them, shouting them, educate others about them. The real words aren’t “I feel okay,” the real words are “I feel like h**l.”

I don’t think I’m doing a very good job at explaining words and real words. Good thing the five minutes are almost up.

Still dealing with demons, so maybe my mind is only half on this.

STOP

 

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4 thoughts on “31 days of free writes: catch up for the 7th and the 8th

  1. phylor October 15, 2014 / 10:08 pm

    I don’t think demons deserve very much. And trying to negotiate with them is impossible.

    Like

  2. summerstommy2 October 8, 2014 / 9:20 pm

    For a long time I dealt with an unworthy demon, the bastard would every so often whisper in my ear and plunge me into my own version of doubt and unworthiness so I have some idea about demons. A few times I have tried to write about him, I found that helped me in that respect.
    As I have gotten older too much good has occurred for me to any longer believe him. But you are spot on in that demons do nothing other than speak untruths about you, its knowing that when it happens that helps you deal with it all, I think?
    Good luck I do hope you conquer those demons afflicting you. You have a lot to offer society phylor, don’t let them beat you.

    Like

    • phylor October 14, 2014 / 9:32 pm

      What they try to do is to undo any progress I’ve made towards vanquishing them. They are afraid, but I can’t offer them sympathy!

      Like

      • summerstommy2 October 14, 2014 / 11:15 pm

        Well they are not deserving of any that’s for sure.

        Like

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