days of future past towards healing

Originally written for 31 Days of five minute free writes.

As I suggested, there might be some unpublished free writes from towards healing. This one is particularly special and not “on the list” as the topic for the day. It is so eerily true, it was difficult to put down my emotions and describe this younger self in 5 minutes. It’s a post I might expand upon some day.

Days of Future Past: Towards Healing

 I recognized her from a distance. The body posture, head down, obvious to the world around her.

All she knew was her pain as she wrapped her arms around herself.Walking fast, she thought of home. It wasn’t a haven, but it had doors to slam. A stash of pills, then she could pick up her pencil and pen. Draw. Write. The stories that no one would ever see.

I knew her so well because she was me.

I sent her mental messages: “Don’t wait. Get help now. You don’t have to live through those years of pain, loneliness, feeling worthless. Call a teen help-line or crisis center. If there is a level of trust and it feels safe, talk a counselor or teacher at school. But please get help.”

As we passed each other, she looked down, unable to make eye contract. I looked straight at her, smiled, and sent her the message. “You are worth it!”


10 thoughts on “days of future past towards healing

  1. Pat October 30, 2014 / 5:03 pm

    It’s amazing what strength we can call upon now – as we have lived and battled and are working through our processes. If only …. if only ….. and so it is.

    Perhaps we can never reach back in time – to help ourselves as we were then – but at least we have our “now” — and we can recognize the signs in others – and then, we have the choice to make – to offer a kind word, a smile, a simple – I know, I understand – don’t be scared – there is help – and it’s OKAY.

    Light to you Phylor – for having the courage to have written this post – and then shared it here.


    • phylor November 1, 2014 / 10:38 pm

      I’ve lived with chronic depression all my life — and I do mean all. Just as some of my earliest memories are of physical pain, so are memories that don’t contain a happy childhood. Large chunks of those years are gone — blocked out or forgotten — but some of the traumatic, the demons I fight everyday go back to those blocked off years.
      I’m having relational spontaneous memories of okay instances. I can see them as clearly as the bad stuff.

      I am both encouraged and frightened for kids today. As you say, there are so many more options, options that are available to suit the needs of the person in crisis. And much of the stigma of depression or other mental health issues has lessened, especially for teens.
      But what I fear is all the cyber bullying. When I was a kid, you sucked up being bullied. In fact, that term was never used. It was boys will be boys, or children will be children, or you’re lying, your being spiteful if you had the courage to tell what was assumed to be a part of growing up. But cyberbullying goes so beyond that.
      When I think of the things that happened to me translated into today’s social media, I get nauseous.
      Oh my god for the kids and their families that are facing this. The deaths of worthwhile people driven over the edge by comments on facebook or tweets.
      The OKAYS you mention are so important! Without okays to be different, okays to seek help, okays to help deal with what’s going on, kids will continue to be lost, caught in the same social media that could show them a way out that doesn’t involve anyone’s being harmed, or die.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Pat November 2, 2014 / 11:20 am

        Phylor, I am sorry for you pain – I do understand. I too can recall, like a film before my eyes, memories – good or bad – with accurate precision and detail – it can be difficult at times.

        As for what kids have to deal with today – holy hell wouldn’t begin to describe it. As you said, when we were growing up – bullying was accepted, although in some cases, definitely crossing limits – but it wasn’t condoned. It was assumed that it was part of “growing up.” But in today’s world – there is far more cruelty and manipulation. It is a world that has opened itself up like a spiteful, raw and festering wound – and those who take advantage of it – and feast and prey on those most vulnerable – well, there are no words to explain or understand this.

        All we can do, and I think it’s a universal responsibility, is to help where we can – and encourage those with kids, to be aware, open, honest and vigilant.

        Light and positive energy to you Phylor :)


    • phylor November 6, 2014 / 8:51 pm

      Thank you. While there are more ways to hurt (thru social media), I think there are more ways to heal as well.

      Liked by 1 person

        • phylor November 7, 2014 / 12:21 pm

          There are national helplines for teens. It’s making the teens aware there is a place to call. But, what are the local resources. That’s why you are so right!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Colline October 29, 2014 / 5:48 pm

    So beautifully written Phylor. I ache for this young girl that was you.


    • phylor November 6, 2014 / 8:53 pm

      I’m working with a therapist right now, and she is helping me understand how those experiences translate into who I am now. Understanding the past, tracing the patterns, then letting them sail away like balloons for awhile, helps.

      Liked by 1 person

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