fast car, last car

“I want you to write from the heart using simple easy to understand language,” is our Sunday task.

Two pieces from the heart; plain speech that breaches my comfort zone.

 

“Canto” I

The song, “Fast Car”  makes me cry.

But then, I cry a lot. In private. Inside myself.

I won’t let anyone see me cry.

It’s not the red eyes or the snot.

It’s a promise I made to myself at age 7.

I cry alone. Inside myself.

About things that hurt

Inside and out.

Crying as I write this.

Does this mean I’m crying in public?

“You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way”

If your car is slow, trade for a fast one.

“Canto II”

I showed my therapist

Dark corners of my mind.

I kept some secrets in the shadows.

Sharing my hidden secrets

Secrets of others given to me

Would break a pact of silence.

There was a bond of trust between us.

Her questions and observations

Brought out things

Only my subconscious knew.

Revelations.  Surprises. Explosions.

Now as I face my fears without her guidance,

I wonder if I have the strength

To determine if

What is broken

Can be fixed.

Inspired by Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie (sunday) Prompt # 98: Fast Car

(recycled/repackaged)

© phylor 2015

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10 thoughts on “fast car, last car

  1. mindlovemisery March 16, 2015 / 1:49 pm

    This really gets to me, the crying on the inside really breaks my heart. I am in therapy now and there is so much I cannot yet say. I spent so much of my life in secret I don’t even know how to express myself to another human being. My body is totally against me, all that trauma is playing out and there is so much physical pain in the middle of all that buried emotional pain

    Like

    • phylor March 17, 2015 / 10:44 pm

      It takes a while to trust enough to let go of the agony; to share the pain so it dissipates. Physical and emotional/mental pain leave wounds too deep to heal without the hands of another. Someone to hold the needle and thread.
      I hope your therapy helps to free you from the burdens of silence, secrecy and trauma.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. julespaige March 16, 2015 / 10:19 am

    I had much negativity to deal with in my young life. Including broken trust. But I think I was very lucky to find someone who I could/can trust. There comes a time when one has to forgive one’s own self and move forward. Crying can be good and cleansing. Let the space created by the tears of grief be filled with tears of joy.

    Not always easy. Sometimes the effort can be painful. But ultimately I think investing goodness in ourselves pays off.

    Like

    • phylor March 16, 2015 / 1:10 pm

      Your comments are very insightful. Investing goodness in our selves (and forgiving ourselves) can restore what has been lost or forgotten. I do/don’t want to heal. The process and the questions will be double. But perhaps this is the space where I can allow the tears of grief become the tears of joy.
      I’m glad you found the special kind of person who personifies trust. That is the kind of person who can keep you believing!

      Like

      • julespaige March 16, 2015 / 1:26 pm

        Sometimes I thought there was strength in keeping anger. An odd power that I wanted to keep – to exert control the way I wanted it. But that anger sometimes destroyed the good things and better memories I wanted to keep. While I still believe things were unfair, I wasn’t at fault and chose to release that blame. Because really the fault was just what life happened to dish out and how adults chose to handle things. Some of which was also beyond their control. Can I make better choices as I move forward. I believe I can. Even one little step at a time. Experience in life can be insightful. Knowing that I am capable of good choices allows me to release anger, which was only a crippling crutch. I don’t have to forget the past, but I don’t have to let the past have total control of the future.

        Like

        • phylor March 17, 2015 / 10:56 pm

          My past has shaped me. I need to take from my past that which is good and leave behind that which is not. I have a good memory for bad things and a bad memory for good things.

          ” I don’t have to forget the past, but I don’t have to let the past have total control of the future.”
          I aspire to that freedom. I am my past — letting go is as hard as forgiveness. I forgave this year, so may be I can learn to live with my past, present and future.

          Thank you for sharing your insights. I really appreciate what you have written; you have offered better ways to look at myself and to free myself from self-created burdens.

          Like

  3. summerstommy2 March 15, 2015 / 5:30 pm

    Wow you certainly addressed this prompt with a lot of heart and bravery….I think if you are determined to change you can, but I do understand the effort of doing it alone.
    I have struggled with this prompt, maybe a bad day for me….

    Like

    • phylor March 15, 2015 / 9:47 pm

      I hope you find the words for the prompt!
      Fast Car was the catalyst to what I wrote.
      That’s always been the question and a problem: change to who?

      Like

      • summerstommy2 March 15, 2015 / 9:58 pm

        Yes I get that question alright……I often think all it is is us feeling happier with the person we are……

        Like

        • phylor March 16, 2015 / 5:34 am

          Oh, I don’t disagree with that. People should consider what is good and positive in their lives, and address what is negative and self-defeating.
          I’m not sure the battle-weary me can be happy in that sense. There is just too much that has been experienced negatively/negatively experienced to easily make the current me smile for more than a moment.
          Thus the need for some transformation, some morphing to take the broken pieces, fit them together in new patterns and krazy glue the whole thing together.

          Like

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