geography of my mind

Mental Geography

Artist: O. Louis Guglielmi; Completion Date: 1938

Source: http://www.wikiart.org

Unstable again. Free falling. Falling. Failing. The familiar, horrid feeling of losing control. The gentle creep of ideas, obsessions, anger, binging into my mind. Demons almost lost, found my address again. And again. And again.

Can’t function. Can’t spell. Can’t type. Can’t read. Can’t remember. Can’t forget. No cocoon of medications, weekly therapy to help send the demons back to those cob-webbed corners where they should stay. Yet, called upon to help others whose dance with mental illness goes from waltz to mosh pit.

Desperate pleas to help write will as will to live is gone. Control freak becoming more controlling. No point in addressing issue as person would never acknowledge any physical weakness, any mental health problems.  Dementia (and I am too familiar with this to not recognize) descent beginning. Anger, denial and blame framing another’s perspective on life, relationships, caring and support.

Me as support? Why does this happen? People come to me as if I am an oracle, a wizard, a miracle worker, a “fixer,” moral, faithful, loyal. I guess I hide my mental illness well. Sometimes people figure it out. Sometimes I take a step back so they can process who I am. The difference between sanity and insanity. I am not who the person sees. I am what they perceive.  Acknowledging either means making self-distant examinations. For example, perceiving the future with out the filters of pessimism or romanticism.

I can change my physical geography, but not the geography of my mind.

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13 thoughts on “geography of my mind

  1. phylor August 26, 2015 / 2:35 am

    I ran out of commenting space.
    I know the feeling of crying for hours. It doesn’t help, but we do it anyway. I’m sorry your unique has made life difficult.
    My unique is more than my personality and character. My health issues and responses to drugs are very unique. Most of my pain is classed as atypical though I’ve changed it to reflect how I see/feel.
    Unique, as you suggest, is problematic. My uniqueness/oneness has been a stumbling block for ever.

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  2. Valida Faire August 24, 2015 / 4:30 pm

    This sounds stingingly familiar, Phylor. I have pulled back from all relationships except the comment boxes, as I have no more energy/resources to be all the things you mention others look to you for. People who “met” me when I was stronger refuse to adjust to the falling apart me–I guess they think I’m making up all the difficulties, being “dramatic”. Well, then they can just do without me entirely. Sorry that I can only say “I hear you”, that I relate to what you’ve said, how you’re feeling. It’s not easy, I know–certainly not “fun” at all. We just hang on and do the best we can, for as long as we can–right? Sending up prayers for your peace–xxoo, Valida

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    • phylor August 24, 2015 / 4:59 pm

      thanks for the prayers.
      eople do develop images of who you are that are based on who they are and what they need.
      When we are falling apart, we both need support and to pull away from those who hurt you or don’t help you.
      Be sure that they are those who do care. Namaste

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      • Valida Faire August 24, 2015 / 5:21 pm

        It’s just interesting to me that people I will only ever interact with in comments boxes, are those who deeply care. Apparently it’s all too close for comfort, for those nearer–who say they want a friendship…but don’t really want the troubles. I probably sound bitter, but I can’t work up that much emotion, so it’s just “tired disappointment” now.

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        • phylor August 24, 2015 / 9:31 pm

          No bitter, instead maybe jaded.
          The virtual and real world do share some similarities.
          Every one has troubles, and addressing your troubles would mean they would have to admit to theirs. And a lot of people don’t want to have to admit to their own flaws and problems.

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          • Valida Faire August 24, 2015 / 9:47 pm

            Jaded, yes definitely. And it’s true there are similarities in both worlds. I guess I really gravitate now toward people who prefer to be genuine/authentic–there’s never an obligation to share more than one wants to; but to be secure enough in one’s flawed problematic self to admit/share a bit, enriches the community–in my opinion. Although my faith is deeply/profoundly Bible Christian, I had to get out of the Christian blogs’ circle, once I began losing my happy-skippy grip–most of those folks are scared to death to admit any weakness, make any negative statement as to their personal struggles/circumstances. My interactions with them continually left me feeling “less than”–and there’s something wrong with that picture.

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            • phylor August 24, 2015 / 10:42 pm

              Something is definitely wrong with that picture.
              It’s a big leap to trust and to share parts of ourselves we share no where else.
              Sorta in Dr. Seuss’ words: “A who is important no matter how small.”

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              • Valida Faire August 24, 2015 / 11:39 pm

                Ohhh, I really like the Dr Seuss words, Phylor–thank you! I needed reminding tonight that this small who is important…

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                • phylor August 25, 2015 / 4:24 pm

                  I need to teach myself not to think of myself as not important. We are all here for a purpose.

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                  • Valida Faire August 25, 2015 / 4:38 pm

                    It’s difficult, when I continually have reminder-evidence that I’m not necessary at all….. However, it’s easy enough for me to view YOU as important, and others. Quite strange, how I separate myself out….

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                    • phylor August 26, 2015 / 2:05 am

                      I’ve viewed my life through the filter that everyone else was better. I’m working on the concept that unique doesn’t necessarily have a negative connotation.

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                    • Valida Faire August 26, 2015 / 2:16 am

                      No, unique absolutely does not mean something negative. Although it does seem to prove problematic for others sometimes–part of my “unique” is that I’m very conscientious, and would prefer at least minimal communication where there is an unresolved issue (tenant/management). My distress was not acknowledged, nor my conscientiousness valued–thus the crying jag is now in Hour 8.

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                    • phylor August 26, 2015 / 2:08 am

                      As I often say “I have a good memory for bad things, and a bad memory for good things.” When you feel negative about yourself, you can find evidence to support it.
                      The idea (not something I achieve on a regular basis) that you are special goes up against negative self-image.

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