night/morning therapy #10: #9

As I’m typing #9 (actually should have typed #10), of course, #9 is running through my head, so put on noise-cancelling head phones and listened to #9 going from ear to ear. No. 9 Revolution reminds me of my druggy days. Days I miss when the pain levels creep up as they have been doing. Or the depression sinks me below below as it did recently.  To completely leave me behind for a while would be nice. But this is gratitude and self-like time. Delayed by falling asleep again – which is a gratitude. Leaving me not quite awake & aware, however. Grateful I could hear the 9 reverbing back. Which made me think of Beatles 1, which made me think of Paperback Writer so:

Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It’s based on a novel by a man named Lear
And I need a job so I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer!

It’s a dirty story of a dirty man
And his clinging wife doesn’t understand
His son is working for the Daily Mail
It’s a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer!

Paperback writer

It’s a thousand pages, give or take a few
I’ll be writing more in a week or two
I can make it longer if you like the style
I can change it ’round and I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer!

If you really like it you can have the rights
It could make a million for you overnight
If you must return it you can send it here
But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer
Paperback writer!

Paperback writer
Paperback writer
Paperback writer

Songwriters
LENNON, JOHN / MCCARTNEY, PAUL

Beatles – Paperback Writer Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Grateful I could do this – lap top, internet access, headphones, sleepy coffee, mouse (of the electronic variety – none of the other kind at this moment – I think). Lots about yesterday not to be grateful for, but hey, that’s got to be another post!

Self-like: let’s see, toughie. Struggling with self-control (rapid cycling in my bipolarsphere) which in a way is good. The only thing, in my early 20s, I could control was my weight – but as a bulimic who couldn’t make herself throw-up, I f’d my digestive system forever. No details – kinda gross. But, for years, I did get that under control – rare, short, not very big binges. Granted I binged in other ways, but I got back control on some of them, too. But I’m not a control freak. It’s strange, I know. And I’m learning to deal with all the things in my life I can’t control which is a large chunk. Learning how to react. Maybe learning will take away some of the constant angst and anxiety. Not exactly a self-like think piece. I guess it shows there is some optimism beneath the crusty, rusty layers of pessimism. Which can’t be all bad.

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10 thoughts on “night/morning therapy #10: #9

  1. wildchild47 July 2, 2016 / 6:47 pm

    Say what you need to say – stifle the voices crying in your head – because they are the ones telling you “oh no – you can’t you mustn’t ….” blah blah – I know – I’m doing the exact same thing over at my space – and honestly, I just want to bitch slap myself silly. Because if there is one thing I’ve come to realize – and I don’t much like it – the longer I deflect, delay, the worse it gets, the worse I become, the crazier over the edge I am – and I don’t like *that* me at all. So hugs to you – I know how you feel – for as much as I can – but it’s okay. It’s okay. And if not here, where?

    Like

    • taleweavering July 2, 2016 / 11:30 pm

      Hope you don’t have to “bitch slap yourself silly;” that the change occurs without too much beating yourself up! You probably do it enough if you’re anything like me.
      I’ll continue my blogging bulimia: binge and purge without food and purgatives. Binge on writing, purge my mind in the process — or at least try.

      Liked by 1 person

      • wildchild47 July 2, 2016 / 11:36 pm

        well, I try not to …. honestly …. but if I am damn good at anything? It would be that. But I’m trying, so that has to count for something …. small steps small steps…. ho hum ;)

        Funny, I’ve been thinking on this post since I read it earlier today – and it just never crossed my mind, that a person could be bulimic and NOT throw up – I have to wonder at my own thinking here, because there are other ways of purging, and I’m thinking right off of food deprivation, intentional and deliberate. Which now makes me think again about me. So yeah, good post.

        And I also have to add – partly because of reading these posts, and others you write, as well as due to something else, I’ve taken another step – and actually have gone back and edited myself on my new blog – thank god there aren’t too many posts yet – and yeah, I’m feeling a bit better, stronger and easier for it – so thank you. :)

        yeah, read that correctly – you are an inspiration :)

        hugs my friend

        Like

        • taleweavering July 2, 2016 / 11:46 pm

          Thanks. I’ll have to re-read your new blog and see what changes you made. I’m going to write therapy #11 — pure soc tonight.

          Liked by 1 person

          • wildchild47 July 2, 2016 / 11:48 pm

            it’s just a few posts – mostly tightened it up – slashed, burned, cut the blathering on – direct address – so hey, no worries. And you do what you gotta do first. Besides, I don’t want to be bugging anyone, and yeah, some of what I write might be hard for some to read. So yeah, just hang loose and cool, eh ;)

            Like

  2. Sheri July 2, 2016 / 6:50 am

    This post was an aha! for me. I may have said this before, I was raised by an anorexic. I’ve always said “I’m not anorexic because I love to eat.” But that’s not true, and it was hard to admit that I had a problem. Then someone said to me “You’re bulimic,” and I said that’s not true I can’t throw up. Shit. Now I have to admit one more thing. But before you feel bad (I seem to say things that should be perceived as good about your posts but they don’t come out right), I want to say thank you for helping me one more time.

    Like

    • taleweavering July 2, 2016 / 8:44 am

      I just worry that I upset people — I do that.
      I’m glad I’m helping with the “oh, shit — guess I’d better write it out loud” stuff.
      Sometimes we gotta hear someone else’s voice first. Like I never admitted how I purged to doctors — just said I binged, then dieted. No wonder they can’t figure out my digestive issues — I can’t admit how I caused them.
      I think of blogging as bulimia sometimes — binge and purge on line.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Sheri July 2, 2016 / 9:48 am

        That’s a great analogy. Here’s something to think about – you are unable to cause someone else to feel upset. You might say/write something that someone feels upset about, but that’s their reaction – not your fault. Took me a very long time to learn this. Keep writing what you need/want to write. If someone doesn’t like it, they can skip that post.

        Liked by 1 person

        • taleweavering July 2, 2016 / 12:57 pm

          Thanks for the generous comment. It’s hard to conceive that it’s not my words or wording at fault. It’s good that you’ve gotten past that! I so need to.

          Liked by 2 people

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