night/morning therapy #22: o f it

My mother had some unusual and, then, some very cliché expressions – like you can’t win for losing. Yesterday (July 13) was one of those days. I can be proud of what I didn’t buy and what I didn’t consume, and pissed at what I DID buy and what I DID consume. The old “good news: neurologist: We need to do something about the increased facial pain while we wait for the MRIs” “bad news: How badly do steroids mix with your mental health?” Ask bipolar 1 & 2 people what ‘roid rage is! You’ll no doubt hear about it; especially since two years ago, it took 2 courses of the stuff to get the pain down some. Now, if I just couldn’t lose for winning . . . .

Grateful haven’t started the ‘roids, and that I exercised some self-control. That I made to the neurologist, that maybe I can get the pain more bearable (but after I go through hell).

I guess, self-like is the idea that I do keep trying. I passed 50%, failed 50%. I did give in later with the “while I’ve already . . .” Got to beat that. Bad enough Action 1, but using it to justify Action 2 isn’t – always involves something I shouldn’t. With no gain or particularly lasting pleasure. Yet another recognized as self-control and bipolar related. I don’t use bipolar as an excuse for all of my flaws. Nor do I absolve my past. But I understand me better for looking at the world through the different lens I should, I must.


waiting for the train after my neurologist visit (July 13)




9 thoughts on “night/morning therapy #22: o f it

  1. Dizzy Chick July 14, 2016 / 9:03 pm

    I love your photo. And as a bipolar I person, I understand roid rage. Good luck. Lean on your friends who you can. I’m here for you as you’ve always been there for me.


    • taleweavering July 14, 2016 / 11:18 pm

      It’s been 2 years — last time I missed train stops and cried in public! Me, in public, breaking down is not good.
      On, it’s 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 = 6 days, 12 if I have to repeat. I hope it’s worth it. Can help my stomach strangely enough. Not in size but in pain.
      Thanks for the offer — figure I’ll need it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Shadeau July 14, 2016 / 5:11 pm

    So sorry about all the pain and issues… My mom said that too, “can’t win for losing”, along with a bunch of other unhelpful gems. Wishing you better days right around the corner, Phylor.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sheri July 14, 2016 / 2:31 pm

    I’m so sorry you have to endure all of this. Before I had a spinal fusion, I became very familiar with unending pain plus bipolar disorder – not a pleasant combination. I hope you can find relief.

    Liked by 1 person

    • taleweavering July 14, 2016 / 11:12 pm

      Thanks Sheri. I’m assuming the spinal fusion helped with your pain levels. I could get the impinged nerves responsible for some of the pain cut, but there are some bad outcomes possible.
      The steroids are gap-fillers — maybe for once something will be “revealed” with the MRIs. Usually they only show what things aren’t — like not full # of brain cells, or no tumor or no neural issues. First time the neck will be done, and the trigeminal area in my face. Not trigeminal neuralgia, thank God.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Sheri July 15, 2016 / 6:40 am

        I’m actually one of the few who’ve been through a spinal fusion (a double one at that), with no pain and almost 90% range of motion. I’m very lucky.

        Liked by 1 person

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