night/morning therapy #23: can we forget about it?

Yesterday is the kind of day I would prefer to file under “didn’t happen.” Lost my self-control and exhibited behaviour detrimental to my physical and mental healing. Great – a post on gratitude and self-like again begins with a negative. Where are those old hold backs, the mental hand-cuffs, the emotional straightjacket I could wear just long enough – til the craving, the urge to binge passed. I worry about addictions, urges that aren’t/can’t be met and the toll that takes too.

So, if the day before yesterday was o f it, then yesterday is let’s forget about it. Like I could have started steroids yesterday – I misunderstood that I could jumpstart the process. So, this morning I took 2 4mg generic Prednisone, first of 6 today, 21 in toto. This now night/afternoon – ate an early lunch (I don’t usually eat lunch) so I could take pills.

And, Michael’s wonderful Tale Weaver prompt got me thinking of a decision I made, and how the lives of several people would be so different now. Part of me is sad and remorse, for not making the decision one way and how my life might have been, and another aspect of me realizes that for many people involved, things probably are best for what I didn’t do. How they were meant to be no matter what we had done. But thinking of one decision, leads to another and the what ifs cut like a razor on the wrist, like barbed wire around the heart. Yet another anti-depressant I can cry through. Means it’s crashing. I don’t think there is an antidepressant I can’t win a staring into tears contest with.

I picked the absolute worst music for my mood, and well, let’s just pretend there was no July 14 in 2016. Going to be a rough ferris wheel roll for the next while.

Some artsy-fartsy koi pictures

IMG_20160709_125149393IMG_20160709_125154014IMG_20160709_125154552IMG_20160709_125203803IMG_20160709_125209362IMG_20160709_125214139

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8 thoughts on “night/morning therapy #23: can we forget about it?

  1. Sheri July 18, 2016 / 7:15 am

    The what-ifs, should haves, shouldn’t haves, etc are what plague me when I can’t fall asleep at night. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Now, switching gears – my parents had a koi pond, they’re quite beautiful.

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    • taleweavering July 18, 2016 / 8:57 am

      The pond is now too small for the fish, really. Raccoons and cats got through the old netting, so the Idiot (our name for the landlady’s commitment partner) did put up new spines and mesh. We were stapling and sewing the holes together.
      There should be plants, and I think less fish. Several are huge now. They don’t eat as much which might be the adage I heard that koi grow to the size of their pool. They gave use different food for the fish last year. The fish didn’t like it at first, but some, I swear, doubled in size — steroids? :)
      There are 14 in the pond last count. One year a disease took a lot. We have a fish, bird, other mammals graveyard in a corner against the back fence.
      Sorry the coulda, shoulda, wouldas as I call them too keep you awake at night. I try writing them out sometimes, other times, it’s a “calm down” pill as the anxiety tightens.
      Hope you sleep well tonight.

      Liked by 1 person

    • taleweavering July 15, 2016 / 10:55 pm

      Thanks.
      Trying. #24 is about changing things a bit to better accommodate my personality and illnesses.

      Liked by 1 person

      • wildchild47 July 16, 2016 / 1:07 pm

        change can be difficult …. especially when dealing with so many different things ….. and if one is never really feeling “safe” i.e. anxiety, tension, stress …. all the blah blah blahs …. (sorry, I’m not being dismissive, just having a really rough day and quite frankly, I’m fed up with my own personal shit to the point that I’d like to either take all of my stress and tension and fear and anxiety and beat it all dead with a big stick!) -sorry wandered off – right …. it’s hard to change when we feel insecure and not safe ….. I hear ya …. hang in there …. sending you more hugs ((((((((tw friend)))))

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        • taleweavering July 16, 2016 / 2:47 pm

          Sorry you’re having a beat it with a stick kinda of day. I understand. That’s when I throw things. Sometime nothing gets damaged, other times . . . well, you can visualize it as the pile of crap it is and run it over and over with your mower. Not being silly — the imagery in your mind can mitigate circumstances outside of it. As a friend says, “drive over it in the biggest mfing truck you can find, then reverse and drive over it again.”
          Bonfires work good as sticks. What I’m trying to say is I get it — wish there was some way you could alleviate it. (((((hugs))))) and then some.

          Liked by 1 person

          • wildchild47 July 16, 2016 / 6:02 pm

            thanks – I totally hear you :)

            bonfires …. heh …. there would be nothing left …. the ashes reduced to less than dust ….

            and hugs back (((hugs))))

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