Yesterday is the kind of day I would prefer to file under “didn’t happen.” Lost my self-control and exhibited behaviour detrimental to my physical and mental healing. Great – a post on gratitude and self-like again begins with a negative. Where are those old hold backs, the mental hand-cuffs, the emotional straightjacket I could wear just long enough – til the craving, the urge to binge passed. I worry about addictions, urges that aren’t/can’t be met and the toll that takes too.
So, if the day before yesterday was o f it, then yesterday is let’s forget about it. Like I could have started steroids yesterday – I misunderstood that I could jumpstart the process. So, this morning I took 2 4mg generic Prednisone, first of 6 today, 21 in toto. This now night/afternoon – ate an early lunch (I don’t usually eat lunch) so I could take pills.
And, Michael’s wonderful Tale Weaver prompt got me thinking of a decision I made, and how the lives of several people would be so different now. Part of me is sad and remorse, for not making the decision one way and how my life might have been, and another aspect of me realizes that for many people involved, things probably are best for what I didn’t do. How they were meant to be no matter what we had done. But thinking of one decision, leads to another and the what ifs cut like a razor on the wrist, like barbed wire around the heart. Yet another anti-depressant I can cry through. Means it’s crashing. I don’t think there is an antidepressant I can’t win a staring into tears contest with.
I picked the absolute worst music for my mood, and well, let’s just pretend there was no July 14 in 2016. Going to be a rough ferris wheel roll for the next while.
Some artsy-fartsy koi pictures