night/morning therapies #33, 34, 35, 36: don’t hope for hope

 

story.jpgToo much to reflect almost. I didn’t realize until now just how far behind I was with this. Despite the amount posted, energy levels have been low. So, no editing, very little visiting, and letting the harder things slide. This is hard for me – I’m being about as honest as I get in these therapy sessions, and that scares me. In the past, knowing personal, psyche sorts of things about me have been used against me or caused unnecessary and unwarranted rifts. Do people really want the truth? I know we’ve discussed that here already. So, I’ll just say, for the most part NO, unless it’s juicy, it’s ammo, or they are truly your friend.

It’s been a week of getting hopes up then dashed. And folks wonder why I don’t like hoping! I can probably appeal – I’ve done it before with mixed results. Still waiting for acknowledgement of problems from last year. Will have to report that health insurance company to the over-seeing government department.

It’s just each time I think, this is it, making headway, getting better, I get gut-kicked again. I need balance, endurance, and strength training so I don’t fall and break my fragile bones. Had a program all set up, my needs analyzed based on insurance and allowing a certain number of sessions of PT. Well, I got things in place on Monday and was turned down on Wednesday. Two tests I need done have been denied – only thing is he has added one to the list of MRIs I didn’t get get done due other issues. So today I go and get the useless one done – my brain. Never shows anything except loss of brain cells in the exact region of the brain where my mother had her stroke—strange isn’t it. I need the MRI of face and neck, never done before. Pain is to the point, I’ll get my impinged nerves cut, and the original pain, hopefully will dissipate. There are serious side effects, but without opioid pain killers, I’ll rip my jaw and cheek bone out. Self-surgery isn’t the best answer.

Sorry, but pain and disappointment colour my world now. I can see being told I have to switch off certain meds, do step therapy and all the crap I’ve dealt with since the first facial pain in 1998 that never went away. So no more hope that I’ll get the MRIs I really need that might reveal something about my face. No hope that an appeal will get me the PT I desperately need. Insurance company would prefer to deal with a shattered me, that a whole one. It’s all f’d up out there.

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21 thoughts on “night/morning therapies #33, 34, 35, 36: don’t hope for hope

  1. Wendy July 28, 2016 / 11:08 pm

    I think it’s brave of you to post the truth. I love your honesty.
    I’m so sick of your insurance company and just don’t understand.
    How can an insurance Co say what you need? Isn’t that the doctor’s job?
    Stupid run around.
    I wish I could do something.

    Like

    • taleweavering July 30, 2016 / 12:28 am

      Caring and wishing me well is enough — knowing that you’re wishing me all the best, and sending hugs. Know you have your own crap to deal with.

      Like

  2. Suzanne July 28, 2016 / 9:00 pm

    I am very sorry to hear of your deep personal troubles. I think it is good to express this stuff even if some people find it confronting. Life is very difficult for many people these days and I think the rest of us have to know about it so we can offer our support. I am sending your lots of love and cyber hugs.

    Like

    • taleweavering July 30, 2016 / 12:17 am

      Thanks, Suzanne. I really appreciate your support and cyber hugs. I suppose if people find my therapies off putting, they can skip them.
      I survived a meltdown several years ago because I wrote about it. Some people didn’t want to hear, but it was what I was going through.
      Thank you so much for everything

      Like

      • Suzanne August 1, 2016 / 12:35 am

        I am sorry you had a hard time online because of being honest. I’ve had a couple of weird times online because of what I’ve written. The stuff people say really gets in your head – sometimes even more so than if they said it to your face. I hope you current treatments are helpful. Lots of love – Suzanne

        Like

        • taleweavering August 1, 2016 / 8:04 am

          What bothered me too was that two of the most uncomfortable were supposed to be closer than casual correspondents, yet when I wrote the truth about how I felt, or my bipolar 2 felt, they couldn’t seem to get around the fact that I had mental illness although both knew I had severe bouts of depression.
          Sometimes it’s the stranger’s remark on the street the stings the most!
          (((((hugs))))) to you — hope you are doing okay!

          Like

          • Suzanne August 3, 2016 / 1:59 am

            People are weird about depression. My son has recently been diagnosed with bipolar 2 but I don’t know much about it. If you ever feel like writing about it I would be very interested. My mother had what used to be called Manic Depression and used to get really manic sometimes. My son doesn’t but he does get really depressed sometimes. He is getting on ok right now thanks to the meds though he’s getting some weird side effects. Life gets really complicated sometimes doesn’t it.

            Like

            • taleweavering August 3, 2016 / 10:43 pm

              my email is phylorsblog@ymail.com if you have any questions about bipolar 2.There are quite a lot who blog on the topic, too, as you may have already discovered. With bipolar 2, the highs aren’t as high, but the lows can be pretty low. Medications do have side effects. I have written posts in the past about my mental illness. I’ll look the most relevant up and pass them along.
              I’m struggling again with it — can’t get the meds right so I’m “rapidly” cycling between manic and depressive episodes with depressive the over arching theme. I should write about it more, it’s my therapy to spell it out. So sorry you had to deal with your mother, and now your son. Hugs and good thoughts your way.

              Like

              • Suzanne August 3, 2016 / 10:55 pm

                Thanks so much for disclosing so much of your personal journey. It really helps me understand what my son is going through. I am so sorry to hear about your current struggles. I really hope that you do keep writing about it for I agree – the therapy is in spelling it out. Sending you lots of love – Suzanne

                Like

  3. wildchild47 July 28, 2016 / 8:10 pm

    Like Sheri – I too was cringing hitting the “like” button – but yeah, this totally sucks. And so many many many gentle hugs and prayers my friend ((((taleweaver)))))

    As for the truth? your true story? Well personally, I’d rather have the honesty- the real, the raw, the bloody and ugly than some sugar coated super hyped up maple syrup dripping fake b.s. – i.e. I’m plastering a smile on my face and trying to pretend to be all “hopeful.” So any time you feel like ranting or sharing – even if it’s just a paragraph – you can always send me an email.

    And I really do hope that even though right now, you’re feeling pretty crappy and shitty and totally discouraged, but I hope you do know that this too will stop – you will have better days – even if it’s only slices of time – a few hours here and there …..

    But the pain and the absolute frustration of not getting the right tests done etc. – that totally sucks and as you know ….. it doesn’t help you in any way – least of all when you need to feel morally and emotionally better …. or at the very least, stronger or better able to manage.

    Lots of gentle hugs my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • taleweavering July 30, 2016 / 12:00 am

      Thanks for the hugs and the understanding. It just gets so frustrating, and a rationale, if needed for not wanting to hope. Not just cynicism, but experiencing the consequences of minor hopes dashed.
      Thanks for the offer of an email — you will no doubt hear more of my continuing arguments with health insurance. I think I have spent about 2 years of my life just dealing with the f’ing system down here.
      How are you doing these days? Lost the link to your blog (if you’re still doing public blogging) so that’s why I haven’t stopped by. You are more than welcome to email me with rants, chants, or just hellos.
      (((((hugs))))) to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • wildchild47 July 30, 2016 / 12:28 pm

        Sending more hugs right back to you ….. lots of gentle ones …..

        As for the system down there …. well, it certainly doesn’t make it any easier, but then, even “back home” there are such huge gaping chasms in so many parts of it, that too often, there are very similar circumstances and problems. At the very least, this newest government is going to try to add much needed monies and efforts in trying to revamp and add more services, of better quality, especially in areas like mental health etc., but like all things, it takes time for things to change.

        I’m hanging in there …. just came off a few days of really bad pain – and completely numbed out hands AND feet – the feet is totally new …. so, yeah, barrel of laughs. And tears …. but I’m okay.

        As for blogging? Ha! I’ve “done it again.” Here’s a link to the new space – when and if you feel inclined. It’s mostly just a collection of things – images, quotes, some creative writing- but I’m having trouble with the writing end of things. Anyhow … as you wish and are able ….. no hurries or worries.

        Be well my friend and I hope that the pain backs off and you can have a peaceful, restful and much better weekend. :)

        https://scramblingeggsblog.wordpress.com/

        Like

        • taleweavering July 31, 2016 / 11:11 pm

          Hope the pain is better — been by your blog and I really like the look and feel of it. Culled or creatively written, it reads like a memoir, a diary to one’s self.
          I will try and bop by, but as you know, I have trouble both writing and reading — other than comments on my blog.
          I figured a Trudeau would want to make Canada Canadian again, putting monies where it’s needed. The whole medical system is f’d.
          You’ve probably already tried turmeric for the pain? Friend files up her own capsules with it.
          Thanks for keeping coming back and reading my therapies. Your insights are appreciated, and very gentle hugs your way.

          Liked by 1 person

          • wildchild47 August 1, 2016 / 7:34 am

            No worries or anything my friend, I always appreciate it when you stop in, but I totally get it.

            Feeling better, thankfully, so it’s on to the “next crisis” – involving well water and broken something or other, most likely in the well itself – but that’s just something I’d rather not be thinking about right now; it’s far too early.

            Turmeric? As such, no. Ginger. Yes. But it’s kind of hard to figure some things out in a more scientifically controlled fashion, and like you, my stomach is now so messed up from far too much (and really not effective) NSAIDS that certain things can just send me looping, stomach pain wise. But turmeric is something I’ll have to check into.

            Always my pleasure to stop by. :)

            As for Justin? Well he has a much better energy and mindset – so it’ll just be a time thing and we’ll have to see what effective changes can come about.

            hope you’re having a much better start to your week …. gentle hugs right back at you :)

            Like

            • taleweavering August 1, 2016 / 1:30 pm

              Thanks — strange day — up all night, changes coming to my phylor’s blog space but never seem to have the time to do that and everything else, sigh.
              Hope your pain levels stay down. Washer is beeping at me, which means time to put towels in dryer.
              Later,

              Liked by 1 person

              • wildchild47 August 1, 2016 / 2:38 pm

                take care and I hope that you find something that helps you too

                Like

  4. memadtwo July 28, 2016 / 5:36 pm

    It makes no sense. And it’s so tiring, on top of feeling bad to start with. You are brave. (K)

    Like

  5. Sheri July 28, 2016 / 4:41 pm

    I hated hitting the “Like” button. I don’t like this at all, it’s more of an “I hear you” button. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I understand what you mean about hope, it’s often seems pointless. {{{hugs}}}

    Liked by 1 person

    • taleweavering July 28, 2016 / 4:59 pm

      Thanks, Sheri. Something I had to get out. Thanks for the hugs. Hugs are always welcome.

      Liked by 1 person

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