Confessions 2.2: voices, over & over

Thought I’d pretend I was doing calligraphy again by using this font. When last I posted, I had survived a thunderstorm, and confessed a lot about suicide. More confessions. There’s a song, And When I Die, that has a chorus that resonates with me:

My troubles are many, they’re as deep as a well,
I can swear there ain’t no heaven, but I pray there ain’t no hell.
Swear there ain’t no heaven, pray there ain’t no hell,
But I’ll never know by livin’, only my dyin’ will tell
Only my dyin’ will tell.

 
See I have it in my mind, have for years and years, that I’m going to hell when I die. Like the song, I’m not so sure about heaven. But there has to be hell – how else to explain the evil in the world. I won’t be going because of suicide – I don’t think that taking your own life is a sin, nor do I think helping someone – assisted suicide – with a deadly painful disease die a dignified, sooner death is a crime. No, I just think I’m bound for there. Confessions. And I’m scared of hell, so there is a large part of me that is scared of dying.

If that’s the case, is it a sparklet of hope, my belief in born with a purpose, keep me here. Or is it simply fear of where I’m going. I don’t know sometimes. Honestly.

Friday, before the storm, was a rough day. I have these days where nothing feels right – in my head or body. I can’t describe it – it’s just knowing something is wrong. I’m not a hypochondriac. Last year, when I had the two breast biopsies, I knew they would be benign. When I had my first melanoma excised, I knew that the edges would be clear, and all the cancerous cells gone.

Drs. thought I had fibromyalgia – I don’t (luckily – I’m missing one of the key markers – I have no autoimmune diseases and I was thoroughly tested) and at first I thought I did. But my symptoms just didn’t fit neatly. And that, has always been the problem. Medically, physically, emotionally, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. To someone who has always wanted to fit in, to always NOT fit in is painful. I don’t mean I want to have a horribly painful invisible illness like fibro, I’d just like to not be so unique.

And, what my therapist wants me to embrace is my uniqueness. This rant is nothing new. I try. It’s as tough as self-like. So, Friday was a rough day, and I got all wobbly and weepy heading home pre-storm. I had to sit down not far from the drug store as I really bought too much. But BOGO on the vitamins I take, 1/2 price on a decent set of face cloth, face towel and bath towel – shopping mania, but at least within budget and need, except for the earrings . . . Anyway, as I’m getting ready to sit down, a voice goes “I know those damned drs. can fix my head and my body, and I’m going to make them.” Like I talked about in Confessions 2.1, I’ve given up on hope or have I. Like a lot of people, things pop into my head – when I’m looking at a prompt, writing a story in my head, and then just bang, poof – something whispers an out of the blue idea or concept or says something that keeps repeating outside of my head.

I’m not magical, I’m not physic – I gave up reading tarot cards because I was getting things right, and it scared me because I didn’t always follow the cards instructions, I added and that was the stuff that was troubling. I think I’m less in tune with the invisible world now mostly because I tried not to hear it. But since I started doing creative writing again, that voice, that sensation, that knowledge is creeping back in. I’m not explaining it well, and I’ll try another time just to do a Confession on the invisible world.

So who was that thought in my head. A tired me mixing up what I usually say/think: that the drs. can’t fix me, I’m too broken (and they don’t listen and they don’t understand my system doesn’t work like everyone else’s), my hope sparklet being a biker cheerleader, or from the invisible world? Guess I’ll see, we’ll see. Getting new drs. so maybe this time. Was that hope again?

Can’t leave off these confessions without at least one Blood, Sweat & Tears version of the Laura Nyro song, also recorded by Peter, Paul & Mary in 1966. First is BS&T live in Japan, 1970 and second is Mary Travers (of P,P&M) on Mama Cass (of the Mamas & the Papas) in 1969. Lyrics are the B,S&T version.

 

 

 

And when I die and when I’m gone,
there’ll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
Give me my freedom for as long as I be.
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me.
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me,
and all I ask of dying is to go naturally, only want to go naturally,

And when I die and when I’m dead, dead and gone,
there’ll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
I’m not scared of dying and I don’t really care.
If it’s peace you find in dying, well, then let the time be near.
If it’s peace you find in dying, when dying time is here,
just bundle up my coffin cause it’s cold way down there,
I hear that’s it’s cold way down there, yeah, crazy cold way down there.
And when I die and when I’m gone,
there’ll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
My troubles are many, they’re as deep as a well.
I can swear there ain’t no heaven but I pray there ain’t no hell.
Swear there ain’t no heaven and pray there ain’t no hell,
but I’ll never know by living, only my dying will tell,
only my dying will tell, yeah, only my dying will tell.


Don’t want to go by the devil, don’t want to go by the demon,
don’t want to go by Satan, don’t want to die uneasy,
just let me go naturally.
And when I die and when I’m gone,
there’ll be one child born, there’ll be one child born.
When I die, there’ll be one child born.
When I die, there’ll be one child born.
When I die, there’ll be one child born.
When I die, there’ll be one child born.

Songwriters: Nyro, Laura

And When I Die lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 

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4 thoughts on “Confessions 2.2: voices, over & over

  1. Wendy August 15, 2016 / 12:03 pm

    That little glimmer of hope is all that is needed. It makes things seem much less bleak.
    No matter how many times we get knocked down, there is always hope.
    I had no hope I’d spend over a month virtually vertigo free, yet here I am.
    With no drs help. It just happened all on its own.
    We might give up on the medical system, but never give up hope that something may happen.
    There ‘s a fine balance between not thinking about the future and having hope.
    I believe the future isn’t written yet and I need to deal with it as it comes. For a long time I took that as not having hope. Just going day by day and dealing with this day not thinking about tomorrow. Now I know I can have hope for the future just don’t put all my life into that hope. If things don’t work out as I’d like, I need to get past that and be okay with how today is.
    That’s the hardest thing about mindfulness, being okay with today no matter how it is.
    (don’t worry I can’t do that either, but I can strive for it)
    I’m rambling,
    mainly just wanted you to know it’s good to hear there is a voice that is talking hope.
    Drs may be able to help. They may not. They simply don’t know a lot.
    But don’t give up hope.
    As my dr at John Hopkins said. There is always hope.
    much love to you sis.

    Like

    • taleweavering August 15, 2016 / 2:05 pm

      That is an interesting way of looking at life and the future. I should do another “for a purpose” post. I believe we are born with a purpose, no matter how small or huge, and when we have fulfilled that purpose, then it is our time to go. Not before. I don’t know if you ever find out your purpose — like bells ringing when angels got wings in a movie — but I hope I do.
      I think within the parameters of our purpose, we move freely — yet those voices speak to us this way and that — perhaps directing our actions. This is turning into a spiritual post, not a reply to a comment. I do that all the time.
      Much love to you too, sis.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Bee Halton August 15, 2016 / 2:30 am

    I know where you are coming from. Being in constant pain for no apparent reason is something I struggle with too. And I think Drs are useless. I have come to believe that it is my soul telling me that I went through a lot of shit and have to pay the price for surviving. Lately, I work with binaural tones to deal with it and it works fairly well. Take care of yourself. And don’t forget: you are not alone!

    Like

    • taleweavering August 15, 2016 / 1:59 pm

      So sorry to hear you are a pain sufferer too. I do use some homeopathic creams, and try not to take pills.
      I think your soul idea is very interesting. I think mine is from years of never-ending stress and anxiety.
      What are binaural tones? I don’t know about them.
      Thank you so much for caring. With the cyberverse, you never really alone, even if you might feel, at that moment you are. Good luck with your pain.

      Like

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