the sadness beneath: living with clinical depression I

With a slight change — I added starry starry night — this is a post from August 2010 about depression. In about a year, I would completely collapse, and be diagnosed with Bipolar 2. Six years later, and in many ways, I’m like I was when I wrote this post. And that scares me.

Phylor's Blog

I have always had the sadness beneath: the way I describe my clinical, rather than situational, depression. It’s not that you don’t want to be happy, but something always pulls you down, so you can’t be happy. Sometimes it’s the never-ending loop of sadness that plays inside your head; sometimes it’s the Blu-ray dvd of past injustices or “mistakes/errors” that can’t be paused; sometimes it is situational: something happens in the world around you that makes you cry.

For me, it’s been the crying: the uncontrollable, inconsolable, body-wracking, never-ending sobbing, that has marked my face, my soul, my life.  “Depression hurts” goes a current tv ad campaign; so does my crying. Physically, it makes my stomach muscles ache and gives me a migraine-like headache. Emotionally: the pain cuts deep; deep as a knife; deep as the chasm between light and dark, between happiness and sorrow.

“Always on the outside, looking in on other’s lives” (Indigo Girls)

door by V.v.G.


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friday music prompt: used to call it bedlam in response to David Gilmour’s Rattle that Lock”

Patient from London's Bethlam Royal Hospital also known as 'Bedlam' taken in the 1800s by Henry Hering:

images from: Ruby’s Glass Eye Pinterest site

These are two of a series of photographs taken by Henry Hering in the 1800s of the “patients” – inmates – of Bethlem Royal, known as Bedlam, Hospital. The hospital was founded in the late 1200s, and moved /rebuilt/renamed several times.

You don’t need to search far to find the horrors of “Bedlams” of the past, or the present. Be warned – the ideas and images can be extremely disturbing. The different between torture and treatment of those deemed “lunatics” was a fine, fine line.

A patient at London's Bedlam Hospital.:

used to call it bedlam

Used to call it bedlam

here we lost our names

the experts said put us all in chains

Used to call it bedlam

charge folks to be entertained

checked to ensure tight were our chains

Used to call it bedlam

a home for the insane

will they ever loosen up upon our chains?

Used to call it bedlam

lunacy’s not a game

must come now to loosen all our chains

I still call in bedlam

deep inside my brain

held here forever by my own chains

Inspired by #mentalhealthawareness and Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie’s Friday Music Prompt: David Gilmour: Rattle that Lock

David Gilmour “Rattle that Lock”