2012: the year of the . . .

Paper for my notebook.
Image by rmkoske via Flickr

Jenni, in the latest Chronic Babe blog carnival asks:

What’s your plan for the coming year? Is there something you’ve committed to doing, and do you have an accountability buddy? What’s going to change? What’s going to be freakin’ awesome? Tell us! Not only do we want to know, but also…you’ll help inspire others.

I wrote elsewhere that for 2012, I wanted to: “to stop crying everyday; to find a purpose; to make a difference.” Not sure how I’m going to achieve these goals but I know that these are important for my physical and mental health. After 20 years of care giving and care taking, it’s hard to find a reason to get up every morning (chronic depression and possible bipolar 2 don’t make it any easier) and not spend the day crying.

Hubby says I have to let go of past rejections, hurts, failures, dreams and wishes unfulfilled, careers lost. So, to add to my list for 2012 is to write letters to those people who have made me feel insignificant, invisible, used, ripped off emotionally and financially (including those who took advantage of my mother). As hubby says, “you don’t HAVE to send those letters just write them to help you let go.” In an earlier post I wrote on making paper airplanes of such letters and sending them off a particularly beautiful cliff to waft in the breeze and away from my heart, soul, and mind. (having trouble with mouse and wordpress site, so can’t link to my paper airplane blog, sorry – try a search; mine haven’t been successful.)

Writing the letters won’t help with item one: to stop crying, but perhaps it will help me let go which ultimately might dry some of the tears. The lack of available mental health care (and the lack of compassion of most of the crisis counselors) has made me interested in an organization that helps you set up a bipolar/depression self help group. Maybe that can be my purpose; my way to make a difference. There is so little mental health care available in my area, that maybe I might be able to pull it off (if I stop this daily crying for which I need some mental health help; probably will have to continue my journey to find some help before I can think about setting up a group to help others).

So, no accountability buddy; nothing “freakin’ awesome; nothing to inspire others in 2012. Just to try and keep it together. Find my purpose and make that difference. Just a blue print I hope to follow. It’s 9:20 am, I’ve been up since 6:30 am and I haven’t started crying yet.