tsunamis of inertia and tears

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I am drowning in tsunamis of inertia and tears. Thought changing my tag line from “chronic pain, life and all that” to “pixie dust and fairy lights” might inspire me to move forward positively. To shine light on those folks who write inspiriting and inspirational blogs. To give me the confidence and courage to stick with the sunshine and ignore the shadows. To find the right template  encapsulating the magical and the whimsical.

But when the inertia tsunami strikes (often without any warning), I find myself frozen; incapacitated. Simple tasks take forever; many started but never finished (like the over 12 blogs I’ve written in the last 2 weeks that need self-editing before publishing). Inertia overrides my mantras; keeps me stuck in certain time and place yet still with the energy, the willingness, the interest. Perhaps what’s missing is the heart; lost too is the never-ending enthusiasm I try to cultivate.

The tsunami of tears is also mostly unpredictable. Sometimes there are warnings; signals that I will be thrown up on the rocks of despair and pulled out into the sea of tears. Funnily, not crying about the past, the present or the future. The tears come from some unfamiliar place; not the dark road lined by bare trees with finger-enwrapped branches shutting out the light; not the black hole with only pinpoints of far-away lights. From some place deeper; more primeval. Crying about everything and nothing; crying from soul and gut. Tsunamis of tears seem inconsolable, insurmountable. The simple mantra of “no more tears”; finding courage and strength can help with the battle. There’s no guarantee that is the last confrontation of the hour, the day, the week.

I wonder what to blog about; the sunshine or the shadows? To share belief in the magical and whimsical in life; reimaging the scent of wildflowers dancing on the meadow breezes. Searching for fairy lights in the garden on still quiet nights when the moon is full. Still there are the shadows; pockets of darkness within the light. Tsunamis and black holes block the sunshine. Two worlds colliding; tectonic plates struggling against each other.

Subjects I’ve discussed before, but the inertia and the tears have left me feeling empty; no longer confident in my ability to write; to communicate; to stop the broken record of light and dark. To find the grey and the middle ground that lies between the two. To make my life stop sounding like some epic battle it’s not.

I hope that the pixie dust wins out; magic and whimsy are strangely more balanced than black holes and dark paths.

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fairy lights and pixie dust 2

Bright Optimism
Bright Optimism (Photo credit: Theen ...)

Now that I’ve given you the sense of what a bad day feels like – black holes are no fun – I thought I should write about what a positive day should/could be like.

When I wake up, I keep my mind open to whatever positive thought first arises. Sometimes the word(s) become my mantra for the day. Since I have trouble concentrating, I keep things simple; one or two positive goals a day. Maybe it’s finally doing battle with those dust bunnies (who bred overnight). Finally answering an email, blog comments, or a letter; getting out of the house to go to ritzyville for groceries.

I imagine a world where pixie dust sparkles and fairy lights dance over wildflower meadows. I take pleasure in the small things: the persistent snow drops (even though, so far, there is no snow to poke their delicate white blossoms through ); I watch the birds in our yard, writing down the different kinds as well as keeping tracking the weather. To keep the squirrels happy, there is always a feeder full of fruit that they seem to enjoy more than the seeds. The antics of them trying to get at the chunks of pears and apples (bought from the discount cart) are amusing.

I try very hard to remain positive in my thoughts, my actions, my accomplishments. Some days this remaining positive for the entire day is harder, some days easier. I repeat my mantra, shut out the darkness and let in the light. It’s on days like these I can give out awards like the candle lighter (have a new one coming soon – an entertaining and inspiring pair of compadres), and not melt into tears.

I can write future blog posts, pose questions, look for direction and purpose. Imagine being in my favo(u)rite creative visualization place; leaning against a strong tree with deep roots. I transfer my pain to the tree, knowing that like sap, the pain will flow to the branches to be scattered in the wind, or deep into the roots to be dispersed into the soil. The sunshine is dabbled by the leaves; I watch the wildflowers dance with the soft breeze; smell the sweetness of fresh, outdoor air. Imagine fairies and think of pixie dust. These are the good days of sunshine, not shadow. These are the days I wish would last forever.